City hall considers an official document for foreign retirees, to be issued after a short interview and a long wait
Cebu Council Proposes Certificate of Not Being That Guy
Councilors say the document will be issued after a short interview and a long wait, as is tradition
CEBU CITY – The Cebu City Council opened its Monday session with a prayer, a resolution honoring a championship basketball team and a motion from Councilor Ramon Villasin-Abad to create a new municipal document called the Certificate of Not Being That Guy.
The proposed certificate would be issued to any foreign retiree who requests it. It would confirm, in one paragraph and a stamp, that the holder is not the person currently appearing on the television in the lobby of every Mactan showroom.
“Our property brokers are exhausted,” Villasin-Abad told the chamber. “They have buyers asking for notarized alibis, letters from vicars and, in one case, a recorded statement from a former golf partner. The city must provide an official shortcut.”
The Problem the Document Solves
The proposal followed a week of unease in the Mactan condominium trade. Philippine authorities are examining allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, GMA News reported. No charges have been filed and the allegations are unproven. The council took pains to say it was not discussing the case. “Protecting children is the work of the Department of Justice and the task force,” Villasin-Abad said. “Our work is stamps.”
The stamps are urgently needed. Manila News reported that brokers are fielding questions about the neighbors instead of the elevators, and a Mactan broker named Ramil Ybanez spent an entire Sunday with three signed brochures and a cold coffee. The council read the report aloud, then agreed unanimously that the coffee was the saddest part.
How the Certificate Would Work
According to a draft ordinance, applicants would proceed through the following steps:
- Submit a passport photo, a photocopy of the passport, a photocopy of the photocopy and a recent photo of the applicant “looking like a man who has never been on television.”
- Present a barangay clearance from the applicant’s place of residence, a document that “works on everything else, and is therefore the logical starting point.”
- Take a number and wait. The council expects an average wait of four hours, “to be spent contemplating one’s choices.”
- Attend a three-minute interview with a clerk named Aling Perla, who has been issuing stamps since 1994 and “can tell by your shoes.”
- Receive the certificate, laminated, in a green folder.
A fee of P250 would apply, “with a P50 discount for any applicant who brings his own pen.”
The Foreign Press Notices
The British version of the problem has traveled well. The London Prat reported that pensioners from Surrey are being asked for two referees, a utility bill and a letter from the vicar before they may view a bathroom, and the council clerk assigned to translate the article took one look at the word “vicar” and asked whether it was a type of notary. It is, in a sense.
The article is available at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/ and has been taped to the council’s bulletin board, between a memo about parking and a recipe for puto.
The American variant is longer, as usual. Bohiney reported that a realtor from Ohio now spends two hours on every showing, nearly all of it listening to alibis. The council found this admirable. “We have a form for it,” Villasin-Abad said. “It’s called a barangay clearance, and you wait.”
The Opposition Is Pragmatic
Councilor Mercedes Lacson-Tan, who opposed the motion, argued the document would only worsen the mood. “If you issue a certificate saying a man is not that guy, you have just implied there is a list of guys who are,” she said. “I prefer a welcome sign.”
The proposal was amended to include a welcome sign. It will read “Welcome to Cebu. The Sea Did Nothing.” The phrase was borrowed from a grilled-squid vendor quoted in the Manila News piece, who declined payment for the slogan and asked only that the city fix the potholes near her stall.
The council also discussed whether the certificate should be available in Cebuano. This led to a forty-minute debate over whether “That Guy” translates directly, which was resolved when a clerk pointed out that the Cebuano phrase for “that guy” is “kana nga tawo,” and the council moved on to lunch.
Comics Respond
Cebu’s comedy scene responded within the hour.
- Jun-Jun Arguelles: “A Certificate of Not Being That Guy. In the Philippines, we have a certificate for everything. Certificate of residency, certificate of indigency, certificate of good moral character. Now a certificate of not being the guy on TV. We are one stamp away from bureaucratic perfection.”
- Bing Tomines: “The clerk can tell by your shoes. Sir, I have been judged by Aling Perla. I did not pass. I wore sandals with socks.”
- Dolly Kintanar: “P250 for a document that says you are normal. In Cebu, you can buy normal for P250 at a barangay hall. It comes with a free ballpen if you stand in the right line.”
- Nonoy Salvador: “The British have the vicar. The Americans have the binder. The Filipinos have the clerk with the stamp. We win every time.”
What the Data Say
For all the anxiety, property data remain stable. Colliers described the Visayas and Mindanao as a key property investment hotspot in July, and foreign buyers continue to operate under Republic Act 4726, which lets them own condominium units but not the land beneath them and caps their share of any project at 40 percent.
Retirees who stay long-term often go through the Philippine Retirement Authority. The council has asked it to confirm that the Special Resident Retiree’s Visa does not already contain a certificate of normalcy. It does not.
Psychologists have explained the reflex for fifty years. In their 1973 paper on the availability heuristic, Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman showed that people estimate how common something is by how easily an example comes to mind. A single case outweighs a thousand ordinary ones, which is why the council is drafting a certificate.
The Vote
The ordinance passed first reading 8 to 2. The two dissenters, Lacson-Tan and a councilor who was absent, objected on the grounds that the draft contained a typo in the word “certificate.”
It will return next week for second reading, after the council finishes a resolution about the potholes. In the meantime Aling Perla has quietly started issuing informal certificates on a trial basis, written in ballpen on the back of old receipts. Eleven have been issued. All eleven recipients say they feel “much better.”
The wider Cebu saga is covered at The London Prat and Bohiney News, and the British angle on officials and their stamps can be enjoyed at The Daily Mash. For why a stamped certificate works as comedy, see this guide to Philippine satire.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/