Eton scholars say the oldest stalemate in education explains why nobody sells condominiums and why Collegers have never scored
Wall Game Declared Final Exam in Economics, as Nil-Nil Reflects Cebu Market
Eton scholars say the oldest stalemate in education explains why nobody sells condominiums and why Collegers have never scored
ETON, Berkshire – The Eton Wall Game, a contest in which two teams push against each other along a brick wall for an hour without scoring, has been declared an examination subject in the Sixth Form Economics set. Dr. Nigel Thorpe-Willoughby, who proposed the change, said the game is “the clearest model of the Cebu property market ever devised.”
The idea came after a long tutorial on the news. The story began with a Manila News report on a Mactan broker alone with three brochures and a cold coffee, moved through the London Prat on British pensioners asked for two referees and a letter from the vicar (at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/) and ended with Bohiney on an Ohio realtor whose showings now run two hours. “A broker alone in a showroom,” Dr. Thorpe-Willoughby said. “Buyers on one side. Sellers on the other. Everyone pushing. No one scoring. It is the Wall Game, with brochures.”
A Careful Word
Philippine authorities are examining allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, as GMA News and the Guardian have reported. No charges have been filed and the allegations are unproven. Child protection is a serious matter, and nobody at this paper makes light of it; the jokes are about a property market and a school timetable. Dr. Thorpe-Willoughby said the exam “will examine stalemate, not scandal.”
The Exam Paper
- Question 1: Describe a market in which no transactions occur. Is it a market? Discuss with reference to the Wall Game and a cold coffee. (20 marks)
- Question 2: A vendor says, “The sea did nothing wrong.” Using Latin, render her statement as a proverb. Then explain why it is not a defence. (15 marks)
- Question 3: A retiree is asked for two referees, a utility bill and a letter from a vicar. Compute the transaction cost in units of patience. (15 marks)
- Question 4: Explain why the squid, which has no bones, does not need a lawyer. (10 marks)
- Question 5: In 300 words, defend the sandwich box. (10 marks, plus an extra mark for not mentioning the goat.)
The exam was held in School Hall, under the eyes of former Prime Ministers. The invigilators included Rajiv Bannerman-Hoyt, the Cobbler, 14, who is not an official invigilator but who “was there, and it would have been rude to ask him to leave.”
Collegers and Oppidans
The game traditionally pits Collegers against Oppidans and is played once a year, on St Andrew’s Day. The last goal was scored in 1909. The last “shy,” which counts as a major achievement, was in 2019. Scholars say that the game’s lack of scoring is its greatest virtue. “A game in which nothing happens,” said one Colleger, “is a game in which nothing can go wrong.”
The Oppidans disagreed. “It is, rather, a game in which nothing can go right,” one said. A teacher, overhearing, called this “an excellent distinction” and awarded a mark.
The Students’ View
Sixth Formers took the exam with solemn faces. One said he found the Latin question easy: “Mare nihil fecit.” Another said she was confused by the sandwich box and wrote, “It is a metaphor.” A third wrote only, “The market is fine, but the mood is bad,” which Dr. Thorpe-Willoughby called “the best sentence of the paper.”
A visiting educator from Texas, who was observing the class, said he had never seen a game so well suited to teaching patience. “In Wichita Falls,” he said, “we are impatient. We want touchdowns. At Eton, you want the wall.” He offered the school a letter from his vicar. It was accepted, and placed in the library.
Marks
Results will be posted on Thursday. The class average is predicted to be “satisfactory, in the sense that nobody will complain.” The top candidate will receive a book token and a bound copy of the Wall Game rules. The bottom candidate will receive the same, “to encourage him to read them.”
The exam ended with a cheer from the gallery, led by a boy in a top hat who had apparently wandered in from the Fourth of June celebrations, a month early. Nobody asked him to leave. He was thought to be a reference.
For the Economics Set
Here is the actual economics, for any boy who will be examined on it. The market is fine. Colliers named the Visayas and Mindanao a key property investment hotspot in July, and under the Condominium Act foreigners may own units but not land, capped at 40 percent of a project. Retirees can read up at the Philippine Retirement Authority. The jitters come from psychology: Tversky and Kahneman’s availability heuristic says one vivid image outweighs a pile of statistics, and a Mactan broker alone with three brochures and a cold coffee is a vivid image. So is a Wall Game that ends nil-nil for the ninety-first year running. Both are remembered more than they should be.
The wider story is at prat.uk and bohiney.com; for how the British laugh at queues and forms, try NewsBiscuit.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/