Madame Zora says a retiree’s lifeline reveals whether he should buy in Cebu, and the answer is always ‘maybe, if the sea agrees’
Venice Beach Palm Reader Now Offers Real Estate Readings
Madame Zora charges forty dollars to tell retirees whether the Philippines will accept them, and a further ten to say the same thing in a deeper voice
VENICE, Calif. – On the Ocean Front Walk, between a man selling incense that smells like wet carpet and a street performer juggling bowling pins on a unicycle, Madame Zora has set up a folding table under a purple tarp. The sign reads: “Palm Readings. Tarot. Real Estate Futures. Cash Only.”
The real estate futures are new. Madame Zora, whose legal name is Loretta Pruitt and who grew up in Fresno, said she added them after a retired school principal from Torrance sat down at her table on Monday and asked, in a trembling voice, whether he should buy a condo in Cebu.
“I looked at his palm,” she said. “I saw a long lifeline, a short marriage line and a very strong line of unresolved opinions about HOA fees. I told him: the sea is on your side, but ask the neighbours first.”
A Market Needs a Mystic
The demand arrived after news from the Philippines. Authorities there are looking into allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu earlier this year, as GMA News reported. No charges have been filed and the allegations are unproven, which Madame Zora emphasised before turning over a tarot card. “I do not read minds about crimes,” she said. “I read palms about condos. There is a line, and I am standing behind it.”
What her customers want is guidance on the mood. Manila News reported that Cebu brokers say buyers have started asking about the neighbours, and some are bringing binders, notarised letters and, in the British case, vicars. Madame Zora has charged a premium for the vicar reading, which takes an extra five minutes and a candle.
The Reading Menu
- Palm Reading ($20): A general look at your retirement prospects, including whether you will outlive your pension.
- Tarot Reading ($30): Three cards: The Condo, The Neighbour, The Sea. “The Sea is always favourable.”
- Real Estate Future ($40): A guided view of your Cebu purchase, including parking, plumbing and the chance of a surprise Australian.
- Vicar Reading ($50): A deep review of whether your reference letter will pass a British estate agent. “I have a 100 percent success rate. I also have a 0 percent failure rate. It’s the same thing.”
The vicar reading was inspired by The London Prat’s report on Surrey pensioners asked for referees and a letter from the vicar. Madame Zora has pinned a copy of the article to her tarp. It is available at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/, and she reads it to nervous customers as “a spiritual warm-up.”
The Customers
By Wednesday she had read for 31 retirees, a pair of tourists who thought she was offering foot massages and a 19-year-old surfer who wanted to know if he would ever own a condo. She told him yes, in forty years, “if you stop buying avocado toast, which is a metaphor for something deeper but I forget what.”
Gil Montalvo, 70, a retired postal worker from Long Beach, was the first customer to receive the full real estate future. “She told me my condo would have a sea view, a stubborn lift and a neighbour who plays the ukulele,” he said. “I haven’t bought it yet, but the ukulele part scares me more than the Philippines.”
Montalvo says he plans to buy anyway. The market data support the optimism. Colliers named the Visayas and Mindanao a key property investment hotspot in July, and foreign buyers are still limited to units under the Condominium Act, which caps their stake in any project at 40 percent and denies them title to the land. “She didn’t mention the 40 percent,” Montalvo said. “I think the cards didn’t know.”
Skeptics and Comics
Not everyone on the boardwalk is convinced. Rival fortune teller Sven, who works the next table and holds a degree in business administration, calls the real estate readings “a reasonable hedge against a market with no clear signals.” He offers an alternative: a laminated chart showing the average price per square foot in Mactan, which he charges a dollar for.
- Marcy Fine, boardwalk comic: “Madame Zora predicts the future of Cebu real estate. Meanwhile her own table is a card table with a tarp that has been blown into the Pacific four times.”
- Dev Patel: “A British pensioner in Cebu needs a vicar’s letter. A Venice Beach pensioner needs a palm reader. We are a very spiritual people. We just don’t specify which spirit.”
- Lena Rosales: “Madame Zora told me I would meet a tall man with a lot of money. It was a lifeguard with a very big thermos. I still don’t know which part came true.”
- Otis Reynolds: “The sea did nothing wrong, said the Cebu broker. And Madame Zora’s cards said the same thing. That’s the most consistent two-source confirmation in the history of astrology.”
Why the Cards Work
Psychologists would not be surprised by the success of the business. The 1973 paper on the availability heuristic explains that people overweight a vivid story and underweight dull statistics, and a mystic in a purple tarp is the most vivid person on the Ocean Front Walk. Buyers want certainty, and Madame Zora’s job is to supply a feeling of it for forty dollars.
An American realtor in Cebu, quoted by Bohiney from a Mactan tower, said she had considered adding a tarot table to her open houses after seeing the same thing happen to her sales calendar. “A card reader would at least let them stop explaining themselves,” she said.
Madame Zora Predicts
Asked for her own forecast on the Cebu market, Madame Zora closed her eyes, took a long breath and held up a card showing a wave. “The sea is still there,” she said. “The neighbours are mostly fine. The squid has no bones. Go forth.”
She charged the reporter forty dollars. It was a bargain.
The rest of the Cebu panic is covered at prat.uk and bohiney.com, and readers who prefer their fortune telling British can try NewsBiscuit. For why a boardwalk psychic is a gift to comedy, read this primer on American comedy.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/