A TSA officer asks passengers to describe their character in under a hundred words before they can remove their shoes
LAX Adds Cebu Reputation Check at Security, Delays Flights 40 Minutes
A TSA officer asks passengers to describe their character in under a hundred words before they can remove their shoes
LOS ANGELES – Passengers on the 11:55 p.m. Philippine Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Manila are now being asked to produce a brief character statement at the security checkpoint, an airport spokesperson confirmed Tuesday, adding that the policy is “unofficial, unwritten and enforced by one very committed man named Dwayne.”
Dwayne Pruitt-Okafor, 49, a TSA officer in Terminal 2, said the idea came to him after reading about Cebu’s real estate slump. “I thought, if they’re asking for references over there, we should get ahead of it,” he said. “Why make them do it in Mactan when they can do it in Inglewood?”
How the Checkpoint Works
Passengers bound for the Visayas are asked to step aside and answer three questions: Who are you? What do you want? And are you the kind of person a guard named Mang Pedring would let into a building?
Mang Pedring is the Cebu security guard from the Manila News report on the condo slump, who reads the newspaper aloud in a lobby and has become a symbol of the building’s mood. Pruitt-Okafor has taped his photograph beside the metal detector.
Philippine authorities are examining allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year. No charges have been filed and the allegations are unproven. Child protection is serious business, and this piece is about the mood of a property market, nothing else.
Sample Answers From Passengers
A TSA supervisor shared the following responses on condition that no one reread them for tone:
- “I am a retired dentist. I like gardening. I have never owned a goat.”
- “I am a nice man. I once returned a shopping cart to the corral from forty feet away.”
- “I am a woman who irons her pillowcases and has never been in a fight, not even a verbal one.”
- “I have a letter from my vicar. He says I’m ‘present.'”
- “I am a sandwich box enthusiast. That is all I will say.”
Pruitt-Okafor said the final answer led to a secondary screening.
The International Angle
Dwayne got the idea of the character statement from The London Prat’s story on British pensioners being asked for referees, utility bills and letters from the vicar, at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/, which he called “pure genius from a country that stands in lines for fun.” He also cited Bohiney’s report on Mactan open houses that now run two hours and said he wanted to “bring that energy to the 405.”
The Line Behind the Line
By midnight the secondary screening area resembled a village hall. Passengers shared biscuits, compared references and practiced their hundred words aloud. A retired bus driver from Torrance wept when a stranger told him his statement was moving. A TSA supervisor said the queue had produced three friendships, one engagement and a spirited argument about whether a vicar counts as a professional. “It’s the best-behaved crowd we’ve ever had,” he said, stamping a boarding pass with unusual tenderness.
Comics at Gate 205
- Lourdes Valdez: “TSA asked me to describe my character in a hundred words. I used ninety-eight and one of them was ‘allegedly.'”
- Brent Hollister: “A man with a sandwich box was pulled aside at security. They found a sandwich. It was the most suspicious thing in the airport.”
- Anya Petrov: “Every airline in America has a bag fee. Now there’s a reputation fee. You can check one personality for free.”
- Cal Nguyen: “The sea did nothing wrong. It also did not have to take its shoes off.”
Why It Is Not Necessary
Travelers do not actually need a character statement to enter the Philippines, and the property market on the other end is healthy. Colliers named the Visayas and Mindanao a key property investment hotspot in July, and the legal framework in the Condominium Act permits foreign ownership of units up to a 40 percent cap. Retirees can look into the Philippine Retirement Authority for visa options.
What the checkpoint is selling is reassurance. The availability heuristic, as Tversky and Kahneman described it in 1973, means a person who has recently read about a problem feels it everywhere. A character statement is a small ritual that tells the brain: nothing to see here, please proceed.
Departure
The 11:55 flight left at 12:35, forty minutes late. The airline blamed “an unusually reflective boarding process.” Passengers were not unhappy. One woman said she felt “seen.” A man in 14C said he felt “cleared.” The goat in the cargo hold, according to the manifest, felt nothing.
Pruitt-Okafor watched the plane taxi from the window. “Safe travels,” he said quietly. “And if anyone asks, you’re fine.”
Further reading sits at prat.uk and bohiney.com, while the British habit of laughing at queues and forms is documented at NewsBiscuit. For why this sort of thing works, see this guide to deadpan comedy.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/