The Tudor comic on sandwich boxes, Mang Pedring the guard, estate agents and why the sea needs a lawyer
Henry VIII Stand-Up: Why The Retirees of Mactan Need No Bodyguard When I Had Eight Hundred
The Tudor comic on sandwich boxes, Mang Pedring the guard, estate agents and why the sea needs a lawyer
Second set from the Hampton Court Comedy Cellar. The king has had a pint. He is, as ever, the only one allowed to.
Welcome Back, Ye Merry Rabble
Good even again! Ye have returned, which is more than my fourth wife did. Settle thyselves. If thou must leave for the privy, do so now, for I do not abide an empty chair. Mine own throne was not empty for thirty-eight years, and I took great offence at any who left it.
Let me tell thee of Cebu, a place I have never been, but of which I now know a very great deal. A broker there hath written to the newspapers. Bohiney reports that a realtor from Ohio now spends two hours on every Mactan showing, listening to retirees explain themselves. Two hours! I once conducted a state visit to France in less. And I invaded.
The Guard
There is a fellow there, a guard, Mang Pedring by name, and he readeth the newspaper aloud in an empty lobby. Manila News tells of him. He readeth to no one. He readeth to the marble. I knew a man like that. His name was Wolsey. He read aloud to the marble also, and the marble, like Wolsey, ended up in my possession.
I had eight hundred guards, I confess. Yeomen, they call them. And not one read to me. They stood about like furniture with halberds. When I wished to hear the news, I summoned a herald, and the herald, being afraid, gave me the news that pleased me. Which is why, historically, the news has been excellent.
The Estate Agent
The estate agent, mark you, is the Tudor courtier of our age. He smileth. He flattereth. He saith, “Your Majesty, this flat hath a view.” And when thou lookest, the view is another flat. I had a courtier like that. Thomas Cromwell. He showed me a monastery, and I said, “Is it mine?” And he said, “It can be.” And in a fortnight, there were no monks, and I had a nice chapel.
I am told the estate agents of Cebu now say, “The market is fine.” Aye, so did my treasurer, when I debased the coinage. “The coin is fine, sire. It is merely less coin.”
A Word Of Gravity
I will speak plainly a moment. The cause of the market’s mood is that Philippine authorities are examining allegations against Thomas Markle Sr., estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, as GMA News reported. No charges have been laid. The allegations are unproven. And I, who have been accused of much, say this: the protection of children is no subject for a joke, and I make none. I make jokes of flats and referees and vicars, and the reasonable woes of a man who cannot sell a condominium.
The British Pensioner
The British pensioners in Cebu, saith the London Prat, must bring two referees, a utility bill and a letter from the vicar, as set out at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/. And I say: how did I escape this? When I wished to be Supreme Head of the Church, I wrote the letter myself. I was the vicar. I was the referee. I was, for a time, the utility bill, for I owned the abbeys and their heating.
But consider the pensioner. A man of seventy, in a short-sleeved shirt, standing before a Filipino broker, and he saith, “I have a letter from my vicar.” And the broker saith, “Thank you. Is the vicar real?” And he saith, “Aye. He lives in Basingstoke.” And the broker saith, “That is worse.”
The Market, Properly Understood
Now, the fault is not in the stars, nor in the sea, but in the human mind. A pair of philosophers, Tversky and Kahneman, wrote it down in the year 1973, and they called it the availability heuristic. Which is to say: a man seeth one vivid thing and thinketh it is everywhere. I saw one wife behave badly and concluded the whole sex was suspect. This is, I am told, “a cognitive bias.” I call it “the Tudor method.”
And yet the numbers stand. Retirees may apply through the Philippine Retirement Authority, and the property market is hardy. It is only the mood that needeth physic.
On The Sea Again
The sea, they say, did nothing wrong. And I say: the sea hath no lawyer. Every man in England hath a lawyer, even the ones I had beheaded, who hired their lawyers after. But the sea, poor fellow, hath no counsel. I shall take its case. I shall argue, before the court of the Visayas, that the sea is innocent, that the squid is boneless, that the guard is kind, and that the broker’s coffee was cold through no fault of the Crown.
Farewell
I thank ye, I thank ye. Tip thy waiters, for they are all that stand between me and a kitchen. More tales may be found at prat.uk and bohiney.com, and when thou desirest a comic less royal, seek the good fellows at NewsThump.
Farewell! And remember, in all property transactions, the sea did nothing wrong, the squid hath no bones, and the guard readeth only to the marble. Off with… the lights, please. I have only said that to be funny. The lights, please.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/