Research summarized by sex therapist Leigh Noren finds that people who see a fulfilling intimate life as something built through effort respond better to their partners, while those who believe in natural chemistry struggle more when problems arise
Two Ways Of Thinking About Intimacy
Ask people what makes for a great intimate relationship and you will often hear one of two answers. Some say it is about finding the right person: when chemistry is there, everything flows naturally. Others say it takes work: communication, effort and a willingness to adapt over time. Researchers call these two outlooks sexual destiny beliefs and sexual growth beliefs. A 2023 study in the Journal of Sex Research suggests that which outlook you hold can have a significant effect on your relationship. Sex therapist Leigh Noren explained the research in a post on how your sexual beliefs shape your desire and relationship satisfaction.
The Research
The study involved more than 800 participants across three separate studies. All three focused on heterosexual couples in which the woman experienced clinically low sexual desire, a common concern that brings many couples to therapy. Noren notes that the samples were mostly white, monogamous and heterosexual, and that the design was correlational, showing associations rather than proving cause and effect.
What Growth Beliefs Do
People who held sexual growth beliefs, the view that a satisfying intimate life takes effort and ongoing work, were more responsive to their partner’s needs. They felt more understood and supported, and their partners saw them as more loving and responsive in return. Crucially, these benefits held up during difficult periods, including times of low desire, unmet needs and disruption such as the early lockdowns of the COVID-19 pandemic. Responsiveness, in turn, was strongly linked to overall relationship satisfaction.
What Destiny Beliefs Do
People who held sexual destiny beliefs, the view that great intimacy comes from being with the right person and natural chemistry, showed the opposite pattern. They were less responsive to their partner’s needs, both in intimacy and more generally. They felt less cared for and were more hurt when their expectations were not met. When difficulties arose, they were more likely to see the relationship as doomed rather than as something that could be worked on.
Why Beliefs Matter So Much
The central insight is that beliefs about intimacy shape how people respond to problems, and those responses affect connection more than the problems themselves. Every long-term relationship faces periods of mismatched desire, stress, illness, parenting demands or simple routine. Couples who see those challenges as normal and workable tend to adapt. Couples who see them as evidence that something is fundamentally wrong are more likely to withdraw, blame each other or give up.
This pattern echoes research in other areas of psychology. People who believe abilities can grow with effort tend to respond to setbacks more constructively than those who believe abilities are fixed. In relationships, the same principle seems to apply: viewing intimacy as something that can be nurtured makes couples more resilient.
Motivation Matters Too
Noren adds an important nuance. Responsiveness protects relationships most when it comes from a positive goal, such as wanting to feel close, rather than from guilt or fear of negative consequences. Being responsive to a partner out of obligation can backfire, breeding resentment. Being responsive out of genuine care strengthens the bond.
Can Beliefs Change
The study itself did not test whether beliefs can be changed. But Noren, drawing on her clinical experience, suggests a process for shifting from destiny beliefs to growth beliefs. First, identify the destiny belief: for example, if we were really right for each other, this would be easy. Second, notice how that belief affects your emotions and behaviour, such as feeling hopeless or avoiding conversations. Third, challenge it, asking whether it is realistic or helpful. Finally, build a more flexible belief, such as all couples go through phases, and we can work through this together.
Practical Steps For Couples
For couples experiencing differences in desire, several practical steps may help. Talk openly about what each partner needs and values, without blame. Recognize that desire naturally fluctuates over time and with life circumstances. Explore what helps each partner feel connected, which may include emotional closeness, affection, rest or reduced stress, not only physical intimacy. And consider working with a qualified sex therapist, who can help couples navigate low desire in a structured, supportive way.
The findings also suggest something hopeful about low desire, one of the most common concerns couples bring to therapists. Low desire is often treated as a problem located in one partner. The research points instead to the relationship as a whole: how both partners interpret difficulties, how they respond to each other and whether they approach challenges as a team. That shift in perspective can reduce blame and open up new possibilities for change.
A Note Of Caution
Because the research focused on a narrow population and used a correlational design, its findings should not be generalized too broadly. More research is needed with diverse couples, including same-sex couples, non-monogamous relationships and people from different cultural backgrounds. Even so, the findings fit a broader body of evidence suggesting that attitudes and expectations play a powerful role in how relationships unfold.
The Takeaway
The idea that great intimacy should come naturally is appealing, and it is reinforced by countless films and novels. But for most couples, especially over the long term, it is not realistic. The research suggests that people who accept that intimacy requires attention, communication and adaptation are better equipped to keep their relationships strong. Chemistry may start a relationship. Growth keeps it going.