Research reviewed by sex therapist Leigh Noren finds that satisfaction often declines over time, but a substantial minority of couples keep the spark, and their habits centre on communication, affection and emotional connection
The Fading Spark
Almost every long-term couple experiences it. The intense attraction of the early months gradually gives way to familiarity, routine and, often, less passion. It is so common that many people assume it is inevitable. But research suggests that while decline is common, it is not universal. Sex therapist Leigh Noren reviewed a large study on the subject in a post headlined 38,000 people on what keeps passion alive in long-term relationships.
The Study
The research, published in the Journal of Sex Research, surveyed more than 38,000 people in relationships lasting three years or longer. It asked why some couples maintain their sexual and romantic connection while others lose it. The findings offer both a sobering reality check and a hopeful message.
Early in their relationships, 83 percent of participants said they were satisfied with their sex lives. Years later, that figure had fallen to 55 percent of women and 43 percent of men. But more than a third of respondents said their intimate lives remained as passionate as in the early days. The difference, according to the research, lay in what those couples did.
Habits Of Satisfied Couples
The study identified a set of habits more common among satisfied couples. These included higher frequency of intimacy, though quality mattered more than quantity; variety and willingness to try new things together; deliberately setting the mood; open communication about desires and concerns; and affection, both during intimate moments and afterwards. None of these is dramatic. Together, they describe couples who continue to invest attention and effort in their physical relationship rather than leaving it to chance.
The Emotional Dimension
Perhaps the most revealing findings concerned the emotional quality of intimacy. Satisfied couples were more likely to describe their most recent experience as playful, passionate or loving. Dissatisfied participants told a different story. Nearly half of dissatisfied men described their last encounter as mainly a release of tension, compared with 15 percent of satisfied men. Among women, about 43 percent of those who were dissatisfied said they had been going through the motions or trying to appease their partner, compared with just 7 percent of satisfied women.
Those figures suggest that satisfaction is not only about what happens but about how it feels. Intimacy experienced as obligation or as a purely physical release tends to be less satisfying for both partners. Intimacy experienced as connection, play and affection tends to sustain passion over time.
The Satisfaction Gap
The research also highlighted a gap in experiences between partners in heterosexual relationships, with men reporting reaching satisfaction during intimacy far more consistently than women. Noren and other sex therapists frequently note that this gap is not inevitable. It often reflects a lack of communication, limited knowledge about partners’ needs and cultural scripts that prioritize one partner’s experience. Couples who talk openly and pay attention to each other’s needs can narrow it considerably.
Novelty, With Care
Variety and novelty are often recommended as ways to rekindle passion, and the research supports their value. But Noren emphasizes an important caveat: novelty helps only when both partners feel safe and genuinely interested. Pressure to try something new can backfire, undermining trust and making intimacy feel like a performance. The goal is shared exploration, not obligation.
Practical Takeaways
Based on the research and her clinical experience, Noren highlights several lessons. Emotional closeness matters as much as frequency or novelty. Talking openly about intimacy, including desires and concerns, often brings couples closer. Small habits, such as creating a relaxing atmosphere, sharing what you enjoy and lingering in affection afterwards, can make a meaningful difference. And intimacy driven by obligation tends to erode satisfaction for everyone involved.
For couples who feel their connection has faded, these findings offer reassurance. Decline is common, but it is not a fixed destiny. More than a third of long-term couples in this large study kept their passion alive, and their habits are ones that any couple can learn.
Talking About It
For many people, the hardest part is the conversation itself. Discussing intimacy can feel awkward or risky, particularly after years of avoiding the subject. Therapists often suggest starting outside the bedroom, at a calm moment, with curiosity rather than criticism: what do you enjoy, what would you like more of, what has changed for you? Framing the conversation as a shared project, rather than a complaint, makes it easier for both partners to engage.
Context matters too. Stress, health issues, medications, parenting demands and changes in body image can all affect desire and satisfaction. Couples who recognize these factors, rather than blaming each other, are better placed to adapt. Passion in a long relationship often looks different from passion at the start: less urgent, perhaps, but deeper, more familiar and more trusting.
When Professional Support Helps
If communication feels impossible, if one partner experiences pain, anxiety or a significant loss of desire, or if intimacy has become a source of conflict, a qualified sex therapist or couples counsellor can help. Across Europe, accredited sexologists and psychotherapists work with couples on exactly these issues, and many offer online sessions. Seeking support is not a sign of failure. It is an investment in one of the most important parts of a long-term relationship.
The central message of the research is hopeful. Passion does not have to fade into memory. With attention, communication and a willingness to keep showing up for each other, many couples sustain a connection that remains playful, loving and alive for years.