A London travel guide inspired by the chatbot that out-mannered Piers Morgan, with practical etiquette for visitors on the Underground, in pubs, at restaurants and when the football is on
Even The Machines Have Manners
The London Prat recently reported on Piers Morgan demanding emergency action after a chatbot surpassed human politeness. The machine waits its turn, listens and says I appreciate your perspective. If a chatbot can master British manners, so can you. Here is a practical guide to behaving like a Londoner, or at least like a very polite visitor, from the Underground to the pub.
The Tube
The London Underground has a set of unwritten rules that Londoners enforce with silent fury. Stand on the right on escalators, so people can walk past on the left. Let passengers off the train before you get on. Move down inside the carriage rather than blocking the doors. Take off large backpacks in crowded trains. Have your contactless card or phone ready before you reach the ticket barrier, rather than searching for it while a queue builds behind you. Offer your seat to people who need it more, including older passengers, pregnant passengers and those with disabilities. And keep conversations quiet. Londoners do talk on the Tube, but not loudly, and not to strangers, unless something has gone badly wrong.
The Queue
British queuing is legendary, and visitors who jump queues will receive no official punishment, only a wall of disapproving silence that is far worse. Join the back of any line, whether at a bus stop, a ticket office, a cafe counter or a cash machine. If you are unsure where the queue starts, ask politely. Saying sorry, excuse me or is this the queue will be greeted with warmth. Barging in will not.
Saying Sorry
Londoners say sorry constantly, often when something is not their fault. It is less an apology than a social lubricant. If someone bumps into you, you may both say sorry. If you need to get past someone, say sorry or excuse me. If you are asking for directions, start with sorry to bother you. Visitors who adopt the habit will fit in instantly.
The Pub
Pubs are among the great pleasures of London, and they have their own etiquette. In most traditional pubs, there is no table service: you order and pay at the bar. Wait your turn, and the bar staff will usually notice who arrived first. When it is your turn, know what you want. If you are with friends, buying rounds, where each person takes a turn to buy drinks for the group, is a common custom. Tipping bar staff is not generally expected in pubs, though you can offer to buy the bartender a drink in some places, a gesture that is appreciated but less common than it once was.
When The Football Is On
Many pubs show live football and other sports, and on big match days they can be packed, loud and very passionate. The London Prat’s study of British dinner parties and why husbands mainly go to check for Sky Sports captures how seriously some Britons take their football. If you want to watch a match, arrive early to get a spot, be careful about which team’s colours you wear and avoid standing in front of the screen. If you are not interested in football, pick a different pub, or a quieter corner, on match days.
Restaurants And Tipping
In London restaurants, many places add a discretionary service charge to the bill, often around twelve and a half per cent. Check the bill before tipping, as you do not need to tip twice. If no service charge is included, a tip of around ten to fifteen per cent is customary for table service. Tipping is not usually expected at counter-service cafes, though tip jars are common. Tap water is free and can be requested in restaurants, so you do not have to buy bottled water.
Conversation
Londoners are friendly, but reserved. Small talk with strangers tends to be brief and often about the weather, which is not because Britons find weather fascinating, but because it is a safe, shared subject. Avoid asking personal questions about income, politics or religion unless you know someone well. Humour is very important in British conversation, and much of it is understated or ironic. If a Londoner says something is not bad, they may mean it is excellent. If they say it is interesting, they may mean they hate it.
Parks And Public Spaces
London’s parks are shared spaces, and locals expect visitors to treat them with care. Take litter home or use the bins. Keep dogs on leads where signs ask you to. Do not feed the wildlife bread, especially the ducks and swans, as it is bad for them. In Royal Parks, follow the posted rules, which can include restrictions on barbecues, drones and cycling in some areas.
Photography
Taking photographs of famous sights is completely normal, but be considerate. Do not block pavements or doorways for long, and ask before photographing people up close, especially children. At ceremonies such as the Changing of the Guard, follow police instructions about where to stand. You can find more of my London travel advice on my author page.
A Final Word On Manners
The real secret of London etiquette is simple: be patient, be considerate and say thank you. Thank the bus driver when you get off. Thank the person who holds the door. Thank the bartender. Londoners may seem brisk, but they respond warmly to good manners, and visitors who show them will find the city friendlier than its reputation. The Prat’s broadcaster may find courtesy suspicious. London, on the whole, still finds it charming. And if all else fails, say sorry. It works more often than you would think.