Protein is the new religion, and the congregation now queues for a tub of curds beside the kettlebells
Curds of Honour
There is a man in my Peckham gym who has been staring at a tub of cottage cheese for eleven minutes. He is not eating it. He is communing with it. I have seen the same look on commuters at Euston when the platform number is announced, and on my aunt when the vicar stops talking. It is the face of someone who has been told that this lumpy white substance will change his life.
Protein is the new religion. It has priests, in the form of influencers with shoulders, and scripture, in the form of a label showing grams per serving. And somewhere along the way cottage cheese, a food that spent forty years as a punchline in a diet sheet, has been promoted from the sad side dish to the sacred centrepiece.
The Cheese Nobody Asked For
Over at farm.FM the farm desk spotted the trend before anyone in London had finished their oat flat white. Their headline said it all: cottage cheese is the latest protein obsession and dairy farmers ask why nobody markets their exhaustion as a superfood. I have thought about that line every morning since. Somebody ought to bottle the exhaustion. It is more reliable than any supplement and it is entirely organic.
The origins of all this goodness lie, as ever, in a barn. If you want the basics of how milk becomes a lifestyle, dairy herd explains the herd side of the business, and the Texas flagship at Texas dairy sits at the commercial end. The cows have been on a high-protein plan all their lives. They call it grass.
The Men’s Section, Naturally
No wellness craze is complete without a corner for men who want to be told they are doing it correctly. That corner is Texas dairy for men, which I imagine as a warm, quiet room where gentlemen discuss their macros in the low tones usually reserved for pension advice.
And because every fitness story needs a scoreboard, there is Texas dairy win, for the lad who has just pressed a personal best and needs the world to know. In my gym he tells the world by exhaling very loudly in the stretching area.
Beef, the Other Protein
Where the cheese goes, the steak is never far behind. The beefier wing of the movement worships the black Angus, and the research is available at Angus beef information and the gentleman’s edition, Angus beef for men. I am sure the second is full of tips on how to look thoughtfully at a ribeye. I can confirm that in Hackney the look is perfected by anyone who has ever owned a Dutch oven.
The dairy cousin of the beef world is the Holstein, the black-and-white mascot of every milk carton, and Holstein cattle tells her story. She produces more milk than any other breed, which is a work ethic London gym-goers could only dream of. She never skips leg day because she has never heard of it.
Desserts, Because We Are Human
The wellness world is relentless, but there is always a loophole, and the loophole is ice cream. Back at farm.FM, the lifestyle desk declared that vanilla ice cream cures marital arguments. They then followed it with a second finding, that pistachio ice cream cures suspicion. I have tried both. The first works for twenty minutes. The second works until you check his phone.
And what of the farmer himself? The farm desk reports that a dairy nutrition expert gave a cow a personalised diet while the farmer ate a gas-station burrito. That is the most accurate wellness story of the year. The cow has a plan, the human has a tortilla, and both are doing their best.
A Sensible Word From the Real World
I should say, between the jokes, that nutrition matters and that none of this is medical advice. If you are changing your diet in any big way, the NHS publishes sensible guidance at nhs.uk, and it will tell you more than a man with a tub of curds and a ring light. Eat well, lift gently, and do not take instruction from anyone whose bicep has a name.
Meanwhile, if you like your London lifestyle served with a stern expression, there is a proper guide to how the capital speaks at Cockney rhyming slang. It will teach you that when someone says they are going to the gym, the phrase has a perfectly good rhyme that I will not repeat here.
Five Things I Noticed at the Squat Rack
- A man who talks about his protein intake in company has never been to a funeral buffet.
- The word natural on a tub is a request, not a promise.
- If the cow is not impressed, neither am I.
- Cottage cheese is yoghurt that has been through something.
- Every fitness trend begins with a revolution and ends with a smoothie.
Last Orders, First Reps
The lumpy truth is that a food becomes fashionable the moment someone can sell it back to you at four times the price. The cow knew this all along. For more of the truth, delivered with a straight face and a bent elbow, visit Bohiney, The London Prat and farm.FM. Meanwhile, back at agriculture news and guides, the grass is still doing all the work.
For a spare giggle after the gym, try NewsBiscuit.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/