Four Texas dairy handles offer a complete corporate calendar, from the quiet remote worker to the mandatory dance floor
Mandatory Fun, Now With Milk
At this time of year, every London office enters a state of nervous cheer. The email has gone out. There is a venue, a dress code and a quiet agreement not to mention what happened last year. The chief financial officer is calculating the cost of canapes per head, and the head of people is calculating how many heads will need a lie-down.
I have been covering the season for years, and it struck me this week that the whole thing has a rhythm the dairy industry would recognise. There is a herd. There is a schedule. There is an unreasonable demand on a few reliable individuals, and one of them always ends up dancing on the bulk tank. A set of Texas dairy addresses turns out to provide a surprisingly complete corporate events calendar, and I intend to prove it.
The Men’s Department
Every office has them. A group of colleagues who say they are not doing the party, then do the party, then give a speech. For these lads there is a natural home at Texas dairy for men, which I picture as a corner of the internet where gentlemen in matching Christmas jumpers discuss whether it is acceptable to bring a hamper.
The rule for the men’s table is simple. Nobody makes a speech after the second drink, nobody sings after the third and nobody mentions the budget after the fourth, because by then the budget is a pleasant memory.
The Speed-Dating Corner
Every office party has a quiet moment when two people who have shared a printer for five years suddenly notice each other. This is the spirit behind Texas dairy date, a name that has all the wholesome charm of a first date conducted next to a cheese counter. If you are in a relationship with a colleague, may I suggest the buffet, where nothing matters and the sausage rolls are available to everyone.
The human resources department, naturally, would prefer that you do not mention any of this in writing. They have asked us to say that all connections are purely professional, that the mistletoe is decorative, and that the photograph of the finance director in a Santa hat has been deleted.
The Party Itself
No office celebration can go ahead without a proper name for the occasion, and Texas dairy party has the sort of straightforward ring a social committee loves. Dairy parties, I am assured, begin early. The cows insist on it. At about four in the afternoon a farm typically hosts a very orderly gathering at which everyone queues, nobody argues and the guest of honour is milked.
The London version begins at seven, involves a prosecco tower and ends with a cry for a taxi. Both are driven by the same underlying truth: a group of people with a lot to do will always find the energy to celebrate not having to do it.
The Remote Worker’s Corner
Finally, we come to the colleague who attends by video. He is a small square at the top of the screen, wearing a paper crown, holding a mug and visibly wondering whether the audio works. For him, the natural place on the calendar is Texas dairy download, a name that belongs in the folder of every digital nomad who has promised to be back on Monday.
You may think the remote worker is missing out, but remember: he is in a warm kitchen, away from the dance floor, with unlimited access to his own fridge. He has made the shrewdest decision in the building.
Budgets, Bills and the Big Picture
Any party needs a budget, and any dairy needs a plan. The base of the whole operation sits at Texas dairy, with the daily realities of the business explained at dairy herd. The farm world’s version of a Christmas budget is a conversation at the kitchen table in which everyone agrees that the best present is a good milk price. It has not yet arrived.
The London Prat looked at the festive mood in its piece on a dairy price cut and found that the cows were questioning the economics. I recommend reading it before your next finance meeting, if only to learn how the cows would handle the Secret Santa.
Farm families, meanwhile, do their own seasonal planning. The farm desk at farm.FM reports that farm families prepare for Christmas by working exactly like every other day. That is the office party in reverse: it is a day on which nothing changes except the tinsel.
Five Observations on the Office Christmas Party
- The person who says they will only stay for one drink has already booked the taxi for two.
- Secret Santa is a lottery in which everyone ends up with a candle.
- A conga line in a corporate setting is a reminder that hierarchy is only temporary.
- The cheapest present in the room is the one that says it is the thought that counts.
- If the dairy can run on a schedule, so can an office. It just needs more cows.
The Last Drink Before the Last Train
So the season arrives, and the dance floor fills, and somewhere a finance director discovers a talent for karaoke. Embrace it. The farm has its routines and the office has its rituals, and the thing that links them is the human desire to stop working long enough to be silly. For a regular dose of silliness, keep an eye on Bohiney, The London Prat and farm.FM. They keep the same hours as the party and have better snacks.
For a bonus giggle, try The Daily Squib.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/