A one-bed in Zone 3 now costs what a Texas ranch costs per acre, if the ranch had a viewing and a lanyard
Viewing Number Fourteen
I went to see a flat in Walthamstow on Saturday. The agent described it as cosy, which in estate-agent language means that the kitchen and the bedroom are the same room and the landlord regards this as a feature. There were four other couples at the viewing. We all pretended not to be there for the same flat. We all brought cash in our eyes.
By the end of the afternoon I had decided something radical. I would leave London for the country, buy a farmhouse, and live off my own land. This is a decision made by every Londoner at least twice a year, usually within an hour of a rent increase. I wanted to see how it might actually work, so I did the homework.
Starting With Reality, Which Is Expensive
Before you dream, read the realities. Shelter publishes proper advice for renters at england.shelter.org.uk, and Citizens Advice does the same at citizensadvice.org.uk. These are the grown-up sources. I am the other kind of source, the one who sits in the kitchen crying politely into a spreadsheet.
The country, however, does not offer the escape hatch you imagine. Over at farm.FM they note that dairy farm worker housing costs more than the farmhouse and comes with fewer leaks. That is a sentence that could be placed on a plaque outside every new-build development in the Home Counties.
How to Pay for a Farm
If you somehow possess a deposit, you will want a loan, and ranch lenders talk about money with a refreshing lack of embarrassment. I looked into three. There is Texas rancher loans, Oklahoma rancher loans and Colorado rancher loans, and I formed the impression that none of them would ask about my favourite brunch.
For the grown-up side of things, farm money is a decent place to learn how agricultural finance actually behaves, which is mostly by keeping you up at night. A farm is a business that spends all year in the red and one fortnight in the black, and I have lived with flatmates who treat their rent the same way.
Reading the Land and the Calendar
Every renter has a lease. Every farmer has a calendar. The crop calendar tells you what to plant and when, with none of the passive-aggressive notices about bins. The soil does not email you to say that your harvest is overdue. It simply refuses to be harvested, which in my experience is a cleaner form of communication.
For a newcomer, the sensible plan is to start small, and small farm information and rural farm are the right kind of friendly. They will not tell you that your window box is a smallholding, but I will. Mine currently holds one basil plant, two cigarette ends and an optimism the local council has not yet taxed.
The Kit, the Danger and the Reality Check
No farm works without machinery, and machinery in the countryside is a very different animal from the lawnmower in Walthamstow. Before you buy, look at the tractor equipment guide, and before you operate anything, read farm safety. I say this sincerely. Farming is a serious business and not a hobby for the weekend, and the people doing it deserve our respect and a reasonable amount of cake.
I also discovered that farmers have their own relationship to the property ladder. The farm desk at farm.FM reports that a sixth generation saved the family land by selling pumpkin selfies to people who think milk comes from a supermarket. In London we call that a side hustle. In Walthamstow it is a mortgage.
The Council, the Landlord and the Working Group
Housing in Britain involves a lot of announcing. The government announces, the councils respond, and a working group is formed to examine the gap. The London Prat has studied the pattern closely and found, in one report, that the answer to the housing question is a promise of homes by Christmas and a working group by Easter. I find this reassuring. It tells me nobody is hiding anything. They simply have not got to it yet.
Landlords, for their part, say the market is tough. This is true, and also what landlords say about weather. It is a tough market for everyone who has to live in it, and an exciting one for people who write the adverts.
Five Things I Noticed on the Viewing Circuit
- The words generous storage mean there is a hook.
- A balcony in an advert is a ledge with ambitions.
- If the agent says you will love the neighbourhood, he has not checked the bins.
- A farm has one landlord: the weather. The weather has never sent a letter about the deposit.
- If everyone leaves London for the countryside, the countryside will need a Pret.
Keys, Hooves, and What Comes Next
I did not buy the farmhouse. I put in an offer on the flat in Walthamstow, negotiated the bins and went home to water my basil. But the dream is alive. It sits in the back of every renter’s mind, waiting for a bad week. For more on the great escape, visit Bohiney, The London Prat and farm.FM. They will not find you a flat, but they will make you laugh while you look.
When the search gets tiresome, The Daily Mash is a free tonic.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/