Scouts rate a Cebu-bound pensioner above average in patience, referencing, sandwich-box carriage, and complaint-letter writing
Baseball America Scouting Report on Retiree: Five-Tool Waiter, Slow Hands
Scouts rate a Cebu-bound pensioner above average in patience, referencing, sandwich-box carriage, and complaint-letter writing
FORT MYERS, Fla. – A scouting report circulated this week among major-league front offices describes a 71-year-old retiree from Dayton, Ohio, as “the finest five-tool waiter in the game today.” The player, identified only as “Gene,” is about to leave for Cebu. Teams are lining up to sign him.
The report cited news from the Philippines. The trail begins with a Manila News report on a Mactan broker alone with three brochures and a cold coffee, runs through the London Prat on British pensioners asked for two referees and a letter from the vicar (at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/) and finishes with Bohiney on an Ohio realtor whose showings now run two hours. It concluded that Gene “possesses the single most valuable skill in the modern market: the capacity to sit through a two-hour showing without checking his phone.”
A Gentle Disclaimer
Philippine authorities are examining allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, as GMA News and the Guardian have reported. No charges have been filed and the allegations are unproven. Child protection is serious business, and nobody connected with this story makes light of it; the jokes are about a property market and the ballpark. The report’s authors said they were “scouting patience, nothing more.”
The Five Tools
- Patience (80 grade): Elite. Will wait for a lift for eleven minutes without muttering. Has been seen eating a biscuit during a safety briefing.
- Referencing (70 grade): Plus. Carries two letters, a utility bill and a vicar in his wallet. The vicar is a photograph.
- Sandwich Box (65 grade): Above average. Never explains it. Never opens it. Never puts it down.
- Complaint Letter (60 grade): Solid. Has written to the council, the water company and, in one case, the weather.
- Squid Awareness (55 grade): Average. Knows the squid has no bones. Does not know the squid is a cephalopod.
Overall, the report gives Gene a future value of 70, which it calls “a legitimate everyday retiree with the upside of an occasional night in a Mactan condo.”
Weaknesses
The report notes some concerns. Gene’s hands are slow. His arm is weak. His biggest liability, according to the scouts, is that he “tells the same story three times, though each time with growing conviction.” Another scout added, “He tends to speak to the broker as though he were a clergyman, which can confuse the broker.”
There are also questions about makeup. Gene’s references are impressive, but one of them, his ex-wife, has described him as “present, in a physical sense.” His vicar has described him as “fine.” His dentist said only that he “keeps his appointments.”
Draft Outlook
Industry insiders say Gene is a likely first-round pick. A scout from the Reds said he would “take him in a heartbeat.” A scout from the Brewers said he preferred a younger option. A scout from the Padres said Gene had already declined their offer, citing “a prior commitment to a flat.”
The player himself declined to comment, though he did provide a hand-written note. It read: “I am fine. The sea did nothing wrong. Please send the paperwork in triplicate.” Scouts called it the most professional response they had ever received.
Comparables
Comparisons have been made to earlier prospects. One scout likened Gene to a 1970s utility player who was “not good at anything, but present at everything.” Another compared him to a former mascot who once spent an entire game in a bin. A third said he reminded him of his father, who also carried a box and also refused to explain it. The report’s final grade is a 60, “with the possibility of a 65 if he can learn to say no to a second biscuit.”
Asked to sum up Gene in a single sentence, the lead scout paused for eleven seconds and said, “He is the sort of man who will outlive the coffee.” The report was approved without further discussion.
The scouts agreed that Gene would benefit from a strength program focused on lifting suitcases, carrying a folding chair and surviving long conversations with cousins. A trainer was assigned, and has already been asked for two references.
The Real Numbers
For fans who want the box score behind the mood, the market itself is fine. Colliers named the Visayas and Mindanao a key property investment hotspot in July, and under the Condominium Act foreigners may own units but not land, capped at 40 percent of any project. Retirees can read up at the Philippine Retirement Authority. The jitters are a cognitive thing: Tversky and Kahneman’s availability heuristic says one vivid image beats a season of statistics, and a Mactan broker alone with three brochures and a cold coffee is a very vivid image indeed. Baseball fans know this well. One error in the ninth is remembered; a hundred and sixty-one clean games are not.
The full story lives at prat.uk and bohiney.com; for the British view of any sport played slowly, try NewsBiscuit.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/