New qualitative research on asexual and aromantic people challenges the idea that romantic partnership is the only, or highest, form of intimacy, and invites everyone to value friendships and other bonds more fully
A Word For An Assumption
From childhood fairy tales to wedding industry advertising, Western culture sends a consistent message: everyone is looking for a romantic partner, and finding one is the most important thing in life. That assumption has a name: amatonormativity. A June 2026 article on Dr Justin Lehmiller’s Sex and Psychology blog, written by Merissa Prine-Munroe, explores what amatonormativity is and why it matters.
The Definition
Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone is seeking, or should be seeking, a long-term, exclusive romantic relationship. It ranks romance and marriage above other intimate bonds, such as friendships and family ties. The term is associated with the philosopher Elizabeth Brake, whose work examines how laws and social institutions privilege romantic and marital relationships over other forms of care and commitment.
Amatonormativity shows up in many ways: in the assumption that single people must be lonely or searching, in questions at family gatherings about when someone will settle down, in tax and legal systems that favour married couples, and in the way friendships are often treated as less serious than romantic partnerships, even when they involve deep commitment.
New Research On Intimacy
The article highlights a 2026 study by Mollet, Valley and Fitzsimmons, published in the Journal of Sex Research, which examined intimacy among asexual and aromantic people, often grouped together as a-spec. Asexual people experience little or no sexual attraction, and aromantic people experience little or no romantic attraction. The study used interviews with a-spec college students in the United States and a qualitative online survey.
The findings challenge common assumptions. Most participants did not see sexual or romantic intimacy as essential to their relationships. Many found romantic intimacy difficult to define. Instead, participants described a wide range of other forms of intimacy, which the researchers illustrated with what they called an expansive intimacies cake: emotional, intellectual, physical but non-sexual, shared activities, practical support and more.
The Cost Of The Assumption
The article notes that amatonormativity can lead people to see platonic relationships as less valuable than romantic ones. For a-spec people, the consequences can be more serious. They often face stigma, discrimination and assumptions that they lack fundamental human qualities, as if the absence of romantic or sexual attraction meant something was missing or broken. That can leave them feeling misunderstood and isolated.
Those experiences are not limited to a-spec people. Single people of every orientation often encounter similar pressure. People in close, committed friendships or chosen-family networks may find that their most important relationships are not recognized by employers, institutions or relatives. Amatonormativity narrows the range of relationships society considers legitimate.
Why It Matters For Everyone
Recognizing amatonormativity is not about rejecting romance. Many people find romantic relationships deeply fulfilling, and there is nothing wrong with seeking one. The point is that romance is one form of intimacy among many, and that a good life can be built around different kinds of bonds. Friendships, family relationships, community connections and partnerships of various shapes can all provide love, support and meaning.
For people in romantic relationships, questioning amatonormativity can also be healthy. Couples who expect a partner to meet every emotional need may place enormous pressure on one relationship. Investing in friendships and wider networks can reduce that pressure and make romantic relationships more resilient. Research on wellbeing consistently finds that strong social connections of many kinds are associated with better mental and physical health.
A European Perspective
Across Europe, household and family structures have become increasingly diverse. Growing numbers of people live alone, cohabit without marrying, raise children in a variety of arrangements or build lives centred on friendship and community. Laws and social policies have adapted in some areas, through civil partnerships and changing definitions of family, but many systems still assume the romantic couple as the default unit. Research on a-spec intimacy adds to a wider conversation about whether those assumptions still reflect how people actually live and love.
The research also connects with a broader shift in how people think about relationships. Some couples choose to live apart, some people build co-parenting arrangements with friends, and some prioritize platonic life partnerships. Recognizing amatonormativity helps make space for these choices, rather than treating them as second best or temporary.
Researchers studying loneliness have also noted that people without romantic partners are not necessarily lonely, and that people in romantic relationships are not automatically protected from loneliness. What matters most is the quality and breadth of a person’s connections, not whether one of them is romantic.
Practical Reflections
For readers, the concept invites some gentle reflection. How do you talk about single friends? Do you treat friendships as less important than romantic relationships? Do you ask relatives or colleagues about their love lives in ways that assume they want a partner? Small changes in language and attitude can make a real difference to people who do not fit the romantic script, including friends and family members who may never have felt able to say so.
Supporting A-Spec People
For those who identify as asexual or aromantic, or are exploring those identities, community resources and supportive professionals can help. Many European countries now have a-spec community groups and online networks, and some therapists specialize in supporting people whose experiences of attraction differ from the majority.
The central lesson of the research is that intimacy is far broader than romance. Recognizing that does not diminish romantic love. It simply makes room for the many other ways people care for, support and belong to one another.