Londonist’s Christmas calendar says the lights go on in three West End instalments, and I have planned my November around them
Dear Diary: Carnaby on the 4th, Regent Street on the 5th, Covent Garden on the 12th, and My Feet Have a Schedule
Londonist’s Christmas calendar says the lights go on in three West End instalments, and I have planned my November around them
By Vivienne Pratfall, satire writer, prat.uk
Sunday, Brunch, Phone Propped Against the Marmalade
Dear diary, I have news and it is not about a boy. It is about lights. According to the Londonist Christmas calendar for 2026, Carnaby’s Christmas lights switch on on 4 November, Regent Street’s on 5 November and Covent Garden’s on 12 November. I have written all three in my diary in glitter pen, which is how you know I am serious.
I am nineteen, I write satire for prat.uk, and I have never in my life planned anything in advance. This is a first.
The Route
Carnaby and Regent Street are a short walk apart, and Covent Garden is a short walk beyond. This means that in theory a person could see all three in a fortnight without owning a car. I intend to be that person, in a coat that I have not yet bought.
The Londonist page gives dates rather than times for the switch-ons, so I will not pretend to know when to turn up. I will check the organisers’ pages the week before and arrive early, which is the opposite of my personality.
The Group Chat
I have told the group chat. Priya says she will come if there is mulled wine. Tilly says she will come if there is a toilet. Ollie has sent a thumbs-up, which is his entire vocabulary.
I have said that I cannot promise a toilet, but that central London has many and some are even free. This is true, as far as it goes, and I have no data on the toilets of Carnaby.
What to Wear
The rule for a lights evening is layers, because November in London is an arrangement between the wind and your ankles. Boots you can walk in, a bag you can hold with one hand, and a hat that will survive a crowd.
I own a silver sequinned beret. It is not practical. It is wonderful.
A Note About Crowds
Switch-on evenings are busy, and the streets around them can be difficult. I have decided to go after the night itself, on a weekday, when the lights are on and the crowd is thinner. This is the sort of sensible plan that I normally ignore.
If you must go on the night, stand where the exits are and agree a meeting point with your friends before you lose your phone battery.
Other Things the Calendar Says
The same Londonist page lists the Spirit of Christmas Fair at Olympia and Southbank Centre’s Winter Market from 2 November, Chelsea Winter Village from 25 November, and the Hampton Court Palace Festive Fayre on 4 December. Hyde Park Winter Wonderland opens on 19 November.
That is, on a rough count, a month and a half of things to do with mulled wine, and I intend to do all of them.
The Budget
I am a student of the free and the cheap. Walking under lights costs nothing. Looking at a market does not oblige you to buy. This is the first lesson of London, and the one that takes longest to learn.
The money I save on admission I will spend on a hot chocolate that costs more than a bus ride.
Lights Out
I am going to bed at a reasonable hour, which is a lie I tell every Sunday. Tomorrow I will buy a coat. The beret will go on top.
Goodnight, diary. Wish me luck with the toilets.
Questions From the Group Chat
Tilly: do we have to see all three? No, but the sequins will be disappointed. Priya: is there food? There is a great deal of food, according to the same calendar’s list of markets, though I have no menus. Ollie: thumbs-up.
I have decided that a lights evening is a form of walking with commentary. The commentary is mine.
The Cost of a Coat
I have set a budget for the coat that is smaller than my hopes. A good coat lasts years, and a bad one lasts until the first bus. I will try three shops, and I will buy the second because I always do.
This is the sort of fact that appears in no calendar and affects the whole evening.
Last Night’s Handbag
On the Tube home I read the comic papers, because my phone is on two percent. This week the big joke was property: Manila News on slow condo sales in Cebu, the London Prat on retirees asked for character references (it is at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/) and Bohiney on a realtor with unsellable beachfront listings. Exaggeration all the way down, but anchored to a real market story. More at prat.uk and bohiney.com.
Note: Philippine authorities are examining unproven allegations about Thomas Markle Sr., who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, as GMA News and the Guardian have reported. No charges have been filed. Child protection is a serious matter; the jokes here are about a property market and the paperwork.
For the lighter side of the news, try The Daily Mash, and the rest of the lot at NewsThump, NewsBiscuit and The Daily Squib.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/