The new Lower Boy timetable allots forty minutes a week to the art of saying a classmate is fine without being specific
Eton Introduces Compulsory Reference-Writing Lessons for Thirteen-Year-Olds
The new Lower Boy timetable allots forty minutes a week to the art of saying a classmate is fine without being specific
ETON, Berkshire – Eton College has added forty minutes of reference-writing to the weekly timetable of every boy in Lower Boy year, the Head Master’s office announced in a circular pinned to the notice board outside Upper School. The lesson, to be taught in Divinity Schools by Dr. Nigel Thorpe-Willoughby, will be called “Vouching: Theory and Practice.”
The decision follows news from overseas. The story began with a Manila News report on a Mactan broker alone with three brochures and a cold coffee, moved through the London Prat on British pensioners asked for two referees and a letter from the vicar (at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/) and ended with Bohiney on an Ohio realtor whose showings now run two hours. Dr. Thorpe-Willoughby, 61, who teaches Classics and has opinions on everything else, said he read the reports over a cold breakfast. “Two referees and a vicar,” he said. “In my day we called that a Tuesday.”
A Note on Seriousness
Philippine authorities are examining allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, as GMA News and the Guardian have reported. No charges have been filed and the allegations are unproven. Child protection is a serious matter, and nobody at this paper makes light of it; the jokes are about a property market and a school timetable. Dr. Thorpe-Willoughby stressed that the lessons would “concern prose style, discretion and the semicolon.”
The Syllabus
- Week 1: The Adjective. How to describe a boy as “reliable” when you mean “present.”
- Week 2: The Litotes. “Not unhelpful” and other phrases that might get a friend into Oxford.
- Week 3: The Vicar. How to obtain one, how to keep one, how to avoid being his reference in return.
- Week 4: The Utility Bill. A brief introduction to domestic paperwork for boys who have never seen any.
- Week 5: The Sea. A discussion of the principle that the sea did nothing wrong, with reference to Thucydides.
Boys received the timetable with the quiet composure for which the school is known. Rajiv Bannerman-Hoyt, 14, popularly called “the Cobbler,” said he intended to specialise. “I shall write references for the Fourth Form,” he said, “for a modest fee, payable in toast.”
The Teaching Staff
Not all masters are convinced. The Head of Maths said the reference was “a poor substitute for a proof.” The Head of Chapel said it was an excellent substitute for a sermon. The Head of Geography, asked for his view on the sea, said that it “did nothing wrong, and is regrettably not on the syllabus.”
A visiting Ohio realtor, who was touring the school with a prospective buyer, said she was astonished at the pace of the class. “In Mactan,” she said, “I spend two hours on a showing. Here, I spent forty minutes on a semicolon.” She asked for a reference. Dr. Thorpe-Willoughby wrote her one on the spot. It was four lines long and she did not understand any of it.
The Boys’ Verdict
Early reviews from the boys are positive. A Lower Boy named Hugo, whose father is a High Court judge, said the lesson was “rather more useful than Latin.” Another, whose father runs a hedge fund, said he looked forward to the Utility Bill week. A third, who had brought a sandwich box into class, refused to explain it, which Dr. Thorpe-Willoughby marked as full marks.
By the end of the first lesson, each boy had produced a draft reference for a classmate. The best, by common consent, was for a boy named Piers: “He is a person, and is generally in the building.” Piers was reported to be touched.
Parents’ Response
Parents have written in support. One mother said it was the first time her son had been asked to write anything that someone might actually read. A father said he wished the school had taught him how to be vouched for earlier, “as it would have saved me a great deal of the nineteen-eighties.”
The Head Master, asked to comment, declined, saying he was “reviewing a letter.” It is believed to be from a vicar.
For the Economics Set
Here is the actual economics, for any boy who will be examined on it. The market is fine. Colliers named the Visayas and Mindanao a key property investment hotspot in July, and under the Condominium Act foreigners may own units but not land, capped at 40 percent of a project. Retirees can read up at the Philippine Retirement Authority. The jitters come from psychology: Tversky and Kahneman’s availability heuristic says one vivid image outweighs a pile of statistics, and a Mactan broker alone with three brochures and a cold coffee is a vivid image. So is a Wall Game that ends nil-nil for the ninety-first year running. Both are remembered more than they should be.
The wider story is at prat.uk and bohiney.com; for how the British laugh at queues and forms, try The Daily Mash.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/