A 2024 study found that most people who shared a private fantasy with a partner received an open or curious response, while many who stayed silent feared judgment, according to a review by sex therapist Leigh Noren
The Things We Keep To Ourselves
Almost everyone has private thoughts and fantasies they have never shared with a partner. For some, those thoughts remain private by choice. For others, silence comes from fear: of being judged, misunderstood or rejected. Is it better to share or to keep such thoughts private? Sex therapist Leigh Noren reviewed recent evidence in a post titled should couples share sexual fantasies, science has answers.
The Study
Noren draws on a 2024 study by Kimberly and colleagues, published in the Journal of Sex Research, which examined why people do or do not share fantasies with their partners and how partners respond. According to Noren’s summary, about 69 percent of participants had shared a fantasy with a partner at some point. Of those who had, more than 80 percent said their partner responded with openness, curiosity or excitement.
Among those who had not shared, nearly half said they expected judgment, rejection or discomfort. Interestingly, the type of fantasy did not predict whether someone shared it. The barrier was not the content of the thought, but the fear of how it would be received.
The Cost Of Silence
The research also found that silence can carry an emotional cost. Some participants described feeling split, as though they were hiding an essential part of themselves from their partner. For people in long-term relationships, that sense of concealment can create distance, even if the relationship is otherwise strong.
Noren also notes that sharing fantasies has been associated more broadly with benefits such as increased desire and satisfaction, though these outcomes come from the wider literature rather than being confirmed specifically by the Kimberly study. The general picture is that open communication about intimacy tends to support connection.
Expectations Versus Reality
One of the most striking findings is the gap between expectation and reality. Many people who stayed silent feared a negative reaction. Yet most of those who did share received a positive or curious response. This pattern appears in many areas of relationship research: people often overestimate how harshly a partner will judge them. Vulnerability, when met with acceptance, tends to deepen trust.
Practical Guidance
Noren offers several suggestions for anyone considering whether to share. First, reflect before speaking. Notice what you feel when you imagine sharing, whether shame, guilt, worry or excitement, and consider what is motivating you. Second, examine your blocks. Ask what you fear will happen and where your beliefs about fantasies come from, whether upbringing, religion or cultural messages. Third, decide on your own terms. Share because you want to, not because you feel you should. Choosing to keep something private is also valid.
Talking Is Not Doing
Perhaps the most important point Noren makes is that sharing a fantasy does not commit either partner to acting on it. Many fantasies are simply thoughts, never intended to become reality. Sharing them can help a person feel seen and known without creating any obligation. Making that distinction clear at the start of a conversation can lower anxiety for both partners and reduce the risk of misunderstanding.
How To Respond When A Partner Shares
The research also offers lessons for the listener. A partner who shares something private is taking a risk. Responding with curiosity rather than judgment, asking questions rather than reacting immediately and thanking them for their trust can make the conversation a moment of connection. Even if you do not share the same interest, you can respect the openness. Scornful or dismissive reactions, by contrast, can damage trust and make future communication much harder.
Timing and setting matter too. Therapists often suggest raising sensitive topics at a relaxed moment, outside of intimate situations, when both partners have time and are not tired or stressed. Starting with lighter, lower-stakes topics can build confidence before moving to more personal ones. Some couples find it easier to begin by writing things down or using structured conversation exercises designed by therapists.
Consent And Boundaries
Any conversation about intimacy should respect both partners’ boundaries. Neither partner should feel pressured to share, to listen to something they find uncomfortable or to act on something they do not want. Healthy sexual communication is built on mutual consent and respect. If one partner feels uneasy, it is important to pause and talk about that feeling rather than pushing forward.
When To Seek Support
For some people, shame around private thoughts runs deep, often shaped by upbringing or past experiences. If that shame causes significant distress, or if conversations about intimacy repeatedly lead to conflict, a qualified sex therapist can help. Therapists are trained to discuss these topics without judgment and to help couples communicate more openly and safely.
The Takeaway
The research does not suggest that everyone must share every private thought. It suggests that fear of judgment often keeps people silent unnecessarily, and that when people do share, the response is usually more positive than they expected. For couples who want greater closeness, a careful, consensual conversation about inner thoughts and desires may be one of the simplest ways to build it. As with so much in relationships, the key is not perfection but honesty, curiosity and care.