Where the county show meets the pageant, and a curly-coated pig is judged more strictly than a minister
A Parade With Hooves
Britain loves a procession. We hold one for a coronation, one for a jubilee, one for a cup final and one for a bin lorry that arrives on time. But none is quite as dignified as the livestock parade at a county show, where a creature is led into a ring in front of a crowd and asked to stand still while an expert looks at its legs. If this were done to ministers, the nation would sleep better.
I went to a show last summer with a flask, a folding stool and an open mind. Within twenty minutes I had been lectured on sheep conformation by a woman in a rain mac, offered a scotch egg by a man called Clive and photographed, unrequested, beside a prize-winning bull. The bull was relaxed about it. I was not.
The Aristocrats of the Barn
Every show has its nobility, and the nobles are the old breeds. Take the pig. The Mangalitsa wears a curly coat that makes it resemble an exceptionally well-fed lamb, and you can get acquainted at Mangalitsa pigs. Place one in the ring and the crowd falls silent in the manner usually reserved for a prime minister who has forgotten his speech.
Next in order of precedence comes poultry. The Speckled Sussex is a bird of such elegance that she appears to have been decorated by a committee of watercolourists. For the wider family of old livestock, rare breeds is a good friend, and the Rare Breeds Survival Trust, at rbst.org.uk, does the serious work of keeping the lines alive.
The Black and the White
Cattle, naturally, receive the grandest welcome. The black Angus walks into the ring like a duke into a gentlemen’s club, and for a primer on this regal animal there are two handy places: Angus beef information and Angus beef for men. The second sounds like a club with a door policy, and I applaud it.
The dairy side of the ring belongs to the Holstein, whose black-and-white coat is the most recognisable pattern in farming. See Holstein cattle for the full picture. She is a serious professional who produces an enormous amount of milk and asks for very little, which is the exact opposite of the royal yacht.
Across the Pond, the Same Pageant
The show tradition travels well. In America the fair season brings equally fierce standards, and the farm desk at farm.FM follows it closely. Its report on the Hopkinton State Fair livestock show captures the spirit: nervous teenagers, immaculate animals and a mother in the stands who has been practising her face of calm since March.
Elsewhere the same desk looked at the OCA steer carcass challenge, a competition in which the judging goes on well after the animal has left the ring. It is a serious business, and it demonstrates that in the livestock world the real verdict arrives later, which is a quality shared with most reviews of a monarch’s reign.
A Word From the Wider Field
For those who want the whole panorama of the farming world, agriculture news and guides is a convenient way in. It covers the crops, the creatures and the cranky equipment that make the countryside tick. It is a larger and more cheerful enterprise than the Sunday papers would have you believe.
And for readers who enjoy their institutions with a wink, The London Prat keeps a record of the nation’s pomp in its collection of funny news stories. I recommend dipping in the way one dips a biscuit, with confidence and a slight risk of collapse.
Judging the Judges
What is a judge at a county show looking for? Balance, proportion, grace under pressure. They run their hands along a back, stare at a hoof and make a note in a small book. In a few seconds they have decided the destiny of a creature, a family and a very large rosette.
I once asked a judge what separated a champion from a runner-up. He thought for a moment, tipped his hat and said it was the way the animal carried itself. I told him that was also true of the Foreign Secretary. He chuckled politely and moved on to a goat.
Five Things I Noticed at the Show
- A rosette is the only honour in Britain that can be won without a lobbyist.
- The queue for the tea tent is longer than the queue for the bull.
- A man in a tweed waistcoat will always know more than he says.
- If the pig looks bored, the judge is doing well.
- The best part of any show is the moment the loudspeaker admits it has lost a child.
The Final Lap
The show ended at five with a parade of champions, a speech from a man who could not be heard and a gentle round of applause. I went home sunburnt, satisfied and carrying a scotch egg I did not remember buying. Britain at its best is a procession of dignified animals, and a crowd that cannot see them. For the humorous record, see Bohiney, The London Prat and farm.FM.
For one last wave, try NewsBiscuit.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/