Pigs in wool coats, hens in polka dots and cattle in black: the livestock world has been outdressing London for centuries
Livestock Got There First
London fashion believes it discovered provenance. Every shop in Shoreditch has a card by the till explaining where the thread came from, who spun it and how the sheep felt about the whole affair. This is charming, and also about nine hundred years late. Britain’s farmers have been selling pedigree since before the high street had a bypass.
I spent a fortnight researching the matter, which in practice meant walking around Brick Lane with a notebook while a man sold me a jumper that cost the same as a small cow. He assured me it was heritage. I asked which heritage. He said, kindly, that it was a feeling.
The Pig in the Woolly Coat
The first thing every fashion editor should know about is the Mangalitsa, a Hungarian pig with a thick curly coat that makes it look like a sheep who has been through something. Nobody has ever designed a better winter coat for a pig. Nobody has ever designed a better winter coat, full stop. If you want to meet the pig properly, the Mangalitsa pig page is a fine introduction. Be warned that after five minutes you will start eyeing your own knitwear with suspicion.
Here in London we spend good money on shearling and call it luxury. The Mangalitsa simply grows it, wears it and gets on with its afternoon. There is a lesson there about authenticity, though I suspect I would have to be a pig to learn it.
Polka Dots, But Make It Poultry
Then there is the Speckled Sussex, a British hen whose plumage looks as though it was hand-sprinkled by a very patient decorator. Every autumn some fashion house discovers the spot and charges triple for it. The Speckled Sussex has been wearing the look for generations and has never once asked for a collaboration. If you fancy the real thing, the Speckled Sussex breed is a good place to begin, and the hens are considerably better company than most front rows.
It is worth noting that a hen is the only celebrity who also does a useful job every morning. She does not post about it. She just lays it on you, with no hashtag, no sponsor and no sparkling water.
The Little Black Dress of Cattle
No look in the whole of livestock is as dependable as black. The Angus is the cattle world’s little black dress: simple, expensive, and invited everywhere. People who know about steak talk about it in the same hushed voice that people who know about handbags use for a particular brand. For the beef side of the story, there is Angus beef information, and for a more gentlemanly angle Angus beef for men, which I assume features a man in a tweed jacket nodding thoughtfully at a steak.
For anyone who wants to understand how the cattle business actually runs, ranch beef cattle covers the ground the fashion pages never will. It turns out that a ranch is a brand with weather, a supply chain with mud and a seasonal collection that has to be fed twice a day.
Holstein: The Original Monochrome
Cow print returns to the high street every few years, usually just after everyone has promised never to speak of it again. It comes back because it is perfect. Black and white, bold, irreverent, and impossible to wear without somebody saying moo. The source material is the Holstein, and the dedicated can spend a happy afternoon on Holstein cattle. It is the only pattern that has been in fashion for the entire history of the dairy industry and never once needed a rebrand.
The dairy industry has had other troubles. The London Prat recently covered a milk price cut where the cows asked whether economics had been abolished. The Holstein, I note, remains stylish through all of it. That is what character looks like.
Rarity as a Business Model
Fashion discovered scarcity as a selling point. Limited edition, limited run, limited stock. The farming world did it better by accident. A rare breed is rare because it is rare, with no marketing team and no drop date. The competition to preserve them is real, and for the enthusiast rare breeds is a place to wander in the way other people wander around a vintage shop.
Britain’s custodians of rare breeds do serious work keeping old livestock lines alive, and the Rare Breeds Survival Trust is the place to start if you want to help rather than merely admire. I would recommend it over buying another gilet.
Where All the Rest of It Lives
If you want to follow the thread beyond the pig, the hen and the cow, agriculture news and guides is a handy general door into the whole business. And for the funnier side of the barn, farm.FM keeps a running record of the sector’s finest absurdities, including its view that a sixth generation saved the family farm with pumpkin selfies. That is not a trend piece. That is a business plan.
Five Observations on Heritage Breeds
- A pig with a curly coat has more natural authority than most junior ministers.
- The Speckled Sussex has been on trend for generations and is yet to charge for the privilege.
- If a handbag is advertised as heritage, ask for the herd book.
- Black is the only colour that suits every cow and every dinner party.
- Rare means rare. If it is on every high street, it is a rumour.
The Last Word From the Paddock
So the next time a boutique assistant explains provenance to you in a low voice, ask if the product has ever grown its own coat. If not, thank them and walk away. For more from the fields and the comedy desks, take a look at Bohiney, The London Prat and farm.FM, all of which are better dressed than you think.
For a bit of extra silliness on the way home, try Newsthump.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/