Housemasters cite three separate hat-related casualties during morning service
New Headwear Compliance Officer Appointed
Eton College has confirmed the creation of a new administrative post, Deputy Master of Headwear Compliance, following what the school is calling “the Tuesday chapel gale,” an incident in which four top hats were dislodged during the recessional hymn and one was never recovered. Housemaster Gerald Thistlewood-Pym, who will hold the new post in addition to his existing duties overseeing the Boys’ Cocoa Rota, said the school could no longer treat headwear as a matter of individual conscience.
“We have looked at the data,” Thistlewood-Pym told assembled boys on Wednesday, holding up a laminated chart nobody was permitted to photograph. “Between 1857 and the present day, this school has lost eleven top hats to wind, four to overenthusiastic bowing, and one, memorably, to a swan. We are drawing a line.”
Mandatory Re-Certification Begins Next Half
Under the new scheme, every boy from the Lower School to the Sixth Form will be required to pass a practical top-hat examination before the start of next half. The test reportedly involves walking the length of School Yard in a stiff crosswind generated by two industrial fans borrowed from the school’s Combined Cadet Force, while maintaining what examiners describe as “a dignified, unhurried carriage.” Boys who fail are not permitted to wear the hat unsupervised until they resit.
One anonymous Fourth Former, speaking on condition that his tutor never find out, said the whole thing had “gotten a bit out of hand,” noting that a friend in his house had been made to complete the fan test three times after his hat “went for a little walk of its own” during the second attempt. The boy added that he personally supported the scheme, “in principle, in theory, from a safe distance.”
Parents Split on the Policy
Reaction among parents has been mixed. Several wrote to the Provost praising the school for taking headwear seriously, arguing that a boy who cannot control his hat in a crosswind will struggle to control a hedge fund in a downturn. Others complained that the fan test fees, listed as an “optional but strongly encouraged” addition to the termly bill, represented an unwelcome creep in costs that were already, in the words of one father, “roughly equivalent to a modest regional airport.”
The school has pushed back on suggestions the exam is unnecessary. A spokesperson noted that Eton has weathered criticism of its traditions before and has generally found that the traditions outlast the criticism. Coverage of the story, and further dispatches from inside the school gates, can be followed at The London Prat, which has stationed a correspondent outside the main gate with a thermos and a pair of binoculars.
A Long History of Uniform Disputes
This is not the first time Eton’s dress code has generated controversy. The school’s uniform, and the broader British tradition of school dress codes, has been examined at length by outlets including the BBC, and background on the institution itself is maintained by Wikipedia’s Eton College entry, both useful for readers trying to work out whether any of this is normal. It is worth noting that it is, at Eton, entirely normal.
What Happens Next
The Deputy Master of Headwear Compliance says he expects “a bedding-in period” of roughly one half before the fan test becomes second nature to the boys. In the meantime, the school has asked that any hats found on the roof of the Chapel, in the Thames, or lodged in the branches of the Founder’s Oak be returned to Lost Property, no questions asked, though a small reward has quietly been offered for the hat lost in 1994, which staff admit at this point is “more a matter of principle than expectation.”
The Fan Test, In Practice
Boys who have already sat the exam describe it as considerably more nerve-wracking than advertised. The two industrial fans, borrowed from the Combined Cadet Force and nicknamed Boreas and Gerald by the boys who operate them, are reportedly capable of producing gusts strong enough to strip a hat clean off in under a second if the wearer’s chin angle is even slightly wrong. Examiners mark on a scale of one to ten, with points deducted for “flailing,” “undignified grabbing,” and, in one case, “attempting to hold the hat on with both hands, which rather defeats the purpose.”
One Sixth Former who passed on his first attempt said the trick was to think of the hat “as an extension of the skull” rather than “a separate object you are merely borrowing from gravity.” He has since been unofficially recruited to coach younger boys ahead of their own attempts, charging, he insists jokingly, “absolutely nothing, except perhaps a small amount of tuck shop credit.”
Not Everyone Is Convinced the Problem Was Real
A minority of masters have quietly questioned whether the windy chapel incident was quite the crisis it has been made out to be, noting that hats have blown off in chapel for as long as anyone can remember and that the school has generally managed without a dedicated compliance officer. Thistlewood-Pym has dismissed this as “the kind of complacency that got us into this mess in the first place,” a phrase he has now used in three separate staff meetings and, according to one colleague, “seems to be enjoying rather a lot.”
A Small Concession on Cost
Following complaints about the optional fan test fee, the school has agreed to waive the charge for any boy who can demonstrate financial hardship, a provision the Bursar’s office says has already been claimed by “a surprising number of boys,” though staff privately suspect not all of the claims are entirely sincere. The Provost’s office has declined to comment on whether the fee will be reviewed further, saying only that “matters of headwear are, and always have been, taken with the utmost seriousness at this school.”
For readers who enjoy this sort of institutional theatre, further dispatches on British school life run regularly at The Onion and Private Eye, both of which have covered English public schools with considerably less patience than Eton itself has for its own top hats.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk