Dona Altagracia Reyes, 83, says she has watched people argue about neighbors since 1962 and has a solution involving rice
Bronx Grandmother Gives Cebu Retirees Advice Nobody Asked For
Dona Altagracia Reyes, 83, says she has watched people argue about neighbors since 1962 and has a solution involving rice
THE BRONX – Dona Altagracia Reyes does not own a smartphone, has never been to the Philippines and has only a glancing familiarity with the condominium market of the Visayas. By Wednesday afternoon, she had issued a six-point plan for fixing it.
The plan was delivered from a kitchen chair in her fourth-floor apartment on Grand Concourse, where she sat in a flowered housedress, one hand on a wooden spoon and the other on the arm of a visiting reporter, who had been told to sit down and eat.
“I read it in the newspaper,” Reyes said, tapping a folded copy of a Spanish-language daily. “Foreign people in the Philippines are afraid of their neighbors. Mira, mijo. I have had neighbors since 1962. I have had the lady who steals my newspaper, the man who plays the trumpet at 3 a.m. and the family that raises chickens in the bathtub. I survived. They survived. The chickens survived. I have advice.”
The Source of the Concern
Reyes’s concern was prompted by a story making the rounds in several languages. Philippine authorities are examining allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, the Guardian reported on Sunday. No charges have been filed and the allegations are unproven. Reyes asked that this be stated clearly. “A person who hurts a child has no excuse,” she said. “None. But the neighbors of that person, they are not that person. Remember.”
The side effects are in a Manila News report from Cebu, where brokers say buyers have started asking about the neighbors instead of the elevator, and where a broker spent a Sunday with three brochures and a cold coffee. Reyes read the cold coffee line twice and clicked her tongue. “Poor man,” she said. “Somebody give him a pastelito.”
Dona Altagracia’s Six-Point Plan
- Bring food. “Nobody suspects a person with a casserole. If you are nervous, bring two.”
- Say good morning. “Every morning, even to the one who steals the newspaper. Especially to the one who steals the newspaper.”
- Ask about their mother. “A person who talks about his mother is a person who can be trusted. If he does not have a mother, ask about his aunt.”
- Do not write letters. “A letter from a vicar is for a funeral. For living people, a hug.”
- Light a candle. “For the children first. Then for the neighbors. Then for the one who steals the newspaper.”
- Eat rice. “Everything makes more sense after rice.”
She delivered the six points in under four minutes, interrupting herself twice to check on a pot of beans.
The British and American Reaction
Reyes was shown The London Prat’s report on British pensioners in Cebu supplying referees, and a letter from the vicar. She read it through a pair of glasses held together with tape. The article is at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/. When she finished she put it down and looked at the reporter for a long moment.
“They have a vicar,” she said. “And they are still afraid? In my building we have a priest, a pastor, a rabbi and a man named Hector who says he is all three. Nobody is afraid. We argue and we eat.”
The American version fared no better. Bohiney reported that an Ohio realtor in Mactan holds showings of two hours, with buyers explaining themselves at length. Reyes sniffed. “Two hours to explain yourself? In the Bronx you explain yourself in the elevator. It takes fifteen seconds and a shrug.”
Voices From the Building
Neighbors on the fourth floor confirmed Reyes’s expertise. “She is the unofficial mayor,” said her neighbor Hector Delgado-Fuentes, 61. “She settled a dispute in 1998 between two families over a parking space. She did it with a cake.”
The building’s other residents endorsed the plan. “I would live next to Dona Altagracia in any country,” said Latrice Washington, 34, from 4C. “She has never asked me for a reference. She asks if I’ve eaten.”
Comics From the Concourse
- Papo Rivera: “My grandmother solved Cebu real estate in four minutes with a wooden spoon. The World Bank has been working on it for years.”
- Marisol Cintron: “She said, ‘Do not write letters.’ She said it like a threat. I have not written a letter since 2009.”
- Luis Ortega: “Abuela says the sea did nothing wrong. She also says the sea should eat something. I think she and the sea would get along.”
- Yesenia Torres: “In Cebu they want a vicar. In the Bronx we want a grandmother. Only one of them can make a stew.”
The Data Back Her Up
The numbers, as Reyes might expect, are fine. Colliers named the Visayas and Mindanao a key property investment hotspot in July, and foreign buyers continue under the Condominium Act, which lets them own condominium units but never the land, and caps their stake in a project at 40 percent.
Behavioral scientists have a name for what Reyes is up against. The availability heuristic, as described by Tversky and Kahneman in 1973, says people rate the danger of something by how easily a vivid example comes to mind. Reyes had her own wording. “A scary story is like a loud neighbor,” she said. “It sounds big, but it is only one apartment.”
A Plate to Go
The interview ended when Reyes stood up, wrapped a plate of rice, beans and fried plantains in foil and pressed it into the reporter’s hands. “For the man with the cold coffee,” she said. “Send it to Cebu.”
The reporter explained that this was not possible. Reyes nodded.
“Then eat it yourself,” she said. “And write that I said hello.”
It is noted, for the record, that the plate was delicious. More of the story lives at prat.uk and bohiney.com, and the British approach to well-meant advice appears at NewsThump. For why a grandmother with a wooden spoon is funny in any language, see this guide to being funny.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/