Three American lenders, an exhausted diplomat and a Union Jack on a pickup truck: Anglo-American friendship in its natural habitat
Across the Pond, Past the Pickup
The Special Relationship is one of the great love stories of modern diplomacy. It has been tested by wars, trade disputes and the question of whether a biscuit is a cookie. It survives because both sides need it, and because neither has the courage to say what they really think of the other’s tea. Official British information on our overseas links is on gov.uk, and it manages, as ever, to sound like a polite letter from a solicitor.
I decided to test the relationship at its far end. I wanted to know how a Briton is received on an American ranch, with an accent, a flat cap and a reasonably strong opinion about queueing. The results were mixed, but nobody was shot, which I count as a diplomatic triumph.
Three Provinces, One Handshake
The financial heart of the American ranch is the loan, and the country has three famous lenders for the job. There is Texas rancher loans, Oklahoma rancher loans and Colorado rancher loans. I think of them as the three members of a very polite delegation. One brings a hat. One brings a clipboard. One brings a horse, and expects it to be treated as a person.
The financial culture of the ranch is, to a Briton, both intriguing and mildly horrifying. A man will discuss a debt over breakfast as if reading a weather forecast. A British banker would have to lie down. A British banker would then send an email asking that nobody mention it.
The Language Barrier
It is often said that England and America are two countries divided by a common language. I have found this to be a gross understatement. When an American says that something is a little different, he means it has been rebuilt. When a Briton says it is not bad, he means he would like to marry it.
The farm desk at farm.FM puts these tensions well. In its headline Texas women demand financial stability before a first date and men submit credit scores, truck payments and photographs of cattle they do not own, the cultural gulf is laid bare. In London we simply ask what they do. The reply is always “a bit of consulting.”
The farm.FM music page also reflects some of the border-crossing, with a song called Nashville Ain’t Really That Far From Hollywood and one called A Lot of Manhattan in Me. A British equivalent would be called Slough Is Closer Than You Think.
The Diplomat’s Burden
It is not easy being a British envoy on a Texas ranch. You must accept the hospitality, admire the cattle and refrain from saying that the barbecue is a bit much. You must wear the hat when asked. You must eat the chilli, which will make you consider your whole life. And you must at all costs avoid the phrase “quite interesting,” which in Britain is high praise and in Texas is an insult.
The London Prat covers diplomatic events with its customary tenderness. In a piece on a recent European summit, it reported that Brussels was assured it would be fully consulted when the bill arrived. That is the diplomatic art in a sentence. The Special Relationship, in contrast, is the one in which we are consulted before the bill and then asked to pay half.
The Union Jack on the Pickup
I did find, in a petrol station outside Amarillo, a pickup truck with a small Union Jack stuck to the bumper. Its owner turned out to be a man from Stockport who had come over in 1998, married a woman called Brenda and never gone home. He told me he missed the rain, the chips and the sense of being slightly disappointed. He now raises cattle and says he has never felt more English.
That is the secret of the Atlantic. We never lose our patriotism. We just carry it, like a suitcase, to wherever we have decided to be mildly annoyed.
On Behalf of the Veterans
Patriotism has a serious side too, and it is worth remembering those who have served. The Royal British Legion supports veterans and their families at britishlegion.org.uk. The London Prat has written on the practical question of how Britain treats its former soldiers, in its piece on how veterans are meant to be housed by Christmas. A flag on a pickup is nice. A roof is better.
Five Things I Noticed in the Panhandle
- An American invites you to dinner at six. A Briton arrives at six fifteen and apologises for existing.
- The word football means different things on either side of the Atlantic, and both sides believe the other is joking.
- A hat the size of a dustbin lid is a normal accessory in Texas and a cry for help in Slough.
- The best diplomats are those who nod, smile and take a long time to find the toilet.
- The Special Relationship works because each side believes it is the senior partner.
The Parting Handshake
I left the ranch with a hat, a sunburn and a deep respect for the sturdy, stoical American. They are a good people, and they make a very decent cup of coffee, though it should not be called tea. For further transatlantic mischief, tune in to Bohiney, The London Prat and farm.FM. They are the diplomatic corps of nonsense.
For a sweet goodbye, try The Daily Squib.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/