Pigs in curls, hens in spots and a belt buckle on the Overground: how to spend two days like a ranch hand with a Travelcard
Saturday Goes West
London weekends follow a pattern. On Saturday you queue for brunch. On Sunday you queue for a roast. In between you read three reviews of a restaurant you cannot afford and make a plan for Monday that you will not keep. I decided this week to break the pattern. I would spend a weekend in the style of a ranch hand, with one Travelcard, a pair of good boots and a hat I had been hiding from the neighbours.
The itinerary came together over a long afternoon and a short tea. It has the following rules. Nothing may be called artisan. Nothing may cost more than a cow. And at some point I must explain to a stranger why I am wearing a belt buckle larger than their phone.
Saturday Morning: Meet the Livestock
Start with an education. Britain’s old breeds are an underrated attraction, and a day at a city farm or a countryside open day will teach you more than a fortnight of podcasts. For background reading, rare breeds is a friendly door. If you want the most extravagantly dressed animal in the barn, try the Mangalitsa pig, a Hungarian oddity with a curly coat that makes every sheep look underdressed.
Next, the poultry. The Speckled Sussex is a hen with the plumage of a vintage dress. I saw one last year in Kent and it looked straight through me in the way only a hen can. It was the most serious encounter I have had since my last tax return.
If you have a spare hour, the Rare Breeds Survival Trust is the place to learn how old livestock lines are kept alive, and how to go and see them with sensible shoes.
Saturday Lunch: The Beef Question
No ranch weekend is complete without a steak. For something to read before you order, ranch beef cattle explains where it came from. You may then order your ribeye with the confidence of a person who has done the reading, and the waiter will respond in the way waiters respond to confident people, which is to bring the bill early.
If your budget cannot stretch to steak, be reassured: the farm desk at farm.FM has found that a ranch entrance arch cost 70,000 dollars and led to 25,000 dollars worth of cattle, so the overpriced entrance is a feature of the genre. You are, in fact, getting a bargain.
Saturday Night: Dance Like Somebody Owns the Barn
The evening calls for a party, and Texas dairy party is the right sort of address to mention in company. Pair it with Texas dairy date, for anyone who would like to bring a companion who has a view on cheese. A date, in my experience, should be judged by whether the other person knows the difference between a boot-cut and a bootleg.
The farm desk reported on the courtship customs of the region in a piece that explained how Texas women demand financial stability before a first date and men submit credit scores, truck payments and photographs of cattle they do not actually own. London dating apps have been missing a trick. Where is the field for truck payments?
Sunday Morning: Rodeo at the Rails
Now for the main event. The fair and rodeo circuit is about as far from a Sunday roast as you can get without leaving the planet, and I recommend it to anyone who has ever wondered what it would be like to be impressed by a man staying on a bull. Back in London, the nearest equivalent is staying on the Northern line during a signal failure.
For the local flavour, farm.FM keeps a fond eye on events such as county ranch and rodeo days, where everything from calf roping to the church bake sale is judged with the same level of intensity. The cake, I suspect, is the tougher assessment.
Sunday Afternoon: The Agritourism Pivot
The modern farm knows that visitors will pay for an experience. Another of the farm desk’s findings is that people will pay 25 dollars to sit on hay a farmer cannot sell for 5. This is the most important economic discovery of the decade, and it applies directly to central London, where people will pay 14 pounds for a drink with a sprig in it.
Five Things I Noticed on the Rodeo Weekend
- A hat is a statement. A hat on the Piccadilly line is a dare.
- A hen with spots has a better wardrobe than most of my friends.
- A curly pig is proof that nature never stops accessorising.
- The Overground is a rodeo with fewer rules and worse seats.
- Any weekend that ends with a hay bale is a weekend well spent.
Monday, Reluctantly
By Sunday night I was tired, sunburnt and wearing a hat on the bus. Nobody commented. London has a magnificent indifference to hats. I went home, put the boots by the door and made a note to do it again, perhaps with a cow. For the pre-Monday giggles, take a look at Bohiney, The London Prat and farm.FM.
If you need one last chuckle, The Daily Squib is open all weekend.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/