Dudley’s college will take up to 240 pupils a year, and Etonians are told that a town centre car park is an environment in which one may, in fact, learn
Eton College and Star Academies are building selective state sixth-form colleges in Dudley, Oldham and Middlesbrough, and the Department for Education has approved the Dudley plan, which will take up to 240 pupils a year, Dudley Council reports. The three colleges were first announced in 2023, with the aim of opening within five years, and were paused after a review of free schools before resuming following a government announcement. The Eton Chronicle has examined the proposal and concluded that it is ‘a great deal of town for one college’.
A Car Park Becomes a Campus
The Dudley college will occupy part of a car park on Stafford Street in the town centre, which the council announced last year would be cleared to make way for the building. Oldham’s will be on the Tommyfield outdoor market site, the market having moved to a new market and event space. Eton’s own site is a sixteenth-century institution with a chapel, a river and a Provost. Dudley’s site is a sixteenth-century institution of a different kind: the Black Country, with its history of making things and its entirely reasonable pride in doing so.
‘A car park is simply a field that has been given a number,’ explains Dr. Nigel Thorpe-Willoughby, Master in College, addressing a fourth-form seminar entitled ‘Urban Planning for People Who Have Never Parked’. ‘If you remove the cars and the lines, it is essentially Agar’s Plough with better access.’ Several fourth-formers were later seen writing ‘Agar’s Plough with better access’ in their notebooks, and the phrase has since appeared in two essays and one prayer.
What the Principals Say
Councillor Patrick Harley called the Dudley decision a ‘big vote of confidence in Dudley’, adding that it would improve higher education for students in the Black Country. Councillor Wayne Little, cabinet member for children and young people, called it ‘fantastic news’ that would open ‘life-changing opportunities’ for local students. Simon Henderson, Head Master of Eton College, said the college would be ‘transformative for young people’ and for the surrounding communities. Sir Hamid Patel, Chief Executive of Star Academies, said the delivery work now needs to start, and announced an outreach programme to work with schools and colleges across the region.
In Oldham, the story has similar bones. Oldham Council’s announcement describes a college for 16-19-year-olds aiming to recruit young people who have had fewer opportunities in life. Councillor Arooj Shah called the news ‘exciting and significant’ and said it would add vibrancy to the town centre. Mr. Henderson said the college aims to create a civic hub that will drive further opportunity for young people in Oldham and beyond.
Five Things an Etonian Must Learn Before Visiting Dudley
That ‘tea’ can also mean dinner. That a ‘cob’ is a bread roll and not a horse. That the polite answer to ‘Alright?’ is ‘Alright?’. That no one will call you ‘sir’ unless they want something. And that the Black Country accent will be understood within fifteen minutes by anyone with a functioning ear and a sense of fun.
The Eton Chronicle Interviews an Unqualified Expert
To understand what the new colleges might mean, the Chronicle approached Rajiv Bannerman-Hoyt, known throughout the school as ‘the Cobbler’, a pupil of unparalleled confidence on a wide range of topics. ‘It is simple,’ said the Cobbler. ‘Our boys will be in Dudley, and their boys will be in Eton, and we will exchange ideas about how to wear a tie.’ Pressed on whether a tie was the best exchange rate for a cultural partnership, he added: ‘A tie is a handshake that you wear.’ The interview was ended by a bell.
In fairness to the Cobbler, the colleges are not designed for Etonians. They are designed for local students, with up to 240 places a year in Dudley, with a selective entrance, a curriculum built by Star Academies and facilities described as cutting-edge. The aim is to raise attainment, widen opportunity and offer sixth-formers in the region something that previously required a train to London and an unusual surname.
Why Sixth Form Matters
The two years from 16 to 18 are the point at which an education either opens a door or shuts one. A strong sixth form means better A-level results, better university applications and a clearer sense of direction at the exact moment a teenager is most likely to be told what to do by everyone. The stakes are high, and the standard of teaching, the quality of the facilities and the confidence of the pupils all play their part. This is the part of the story on which the Eton Chronicle declines to joke, mainly because the Head Master reads it.
Meanwhile, Back at the Original Eton
Eton’s tradition of educating the future leaders of Britain is a source of endless fascination, as the press has recorded in pieces such as Eton College says it develops PMs and leaders, where a school boasts about its alumni with the modesty of a peacock. A visitor from Dudley to Eton would observe, as in northern English humour, that the north has always been funnier and warmer, and would doubtless feel that an Eton tailcoat worn to chemistry is a statement of purpose rather than a safety hazard.
What Happens Next
The colleges will now move through planning, construction and recruitment, a process that will take years and involve many people with hard hats. In due course, a first cohort will arrive, a head of sixth form will be appointed and a flag will be raised. The Eton Chronicle will be there, with a notebook and a sense of mischief. Readers who want to learn more about the school and its myths can start with this guide to Eton College humour. More from The Daily Mash, and this report is brought to you by The London Prat.
SOURCE: bohiney.com