Statisticians audit a campaign in which a record bullpen collapsed, a 47-steal leader hit .529 OPS and an ace recorded a save, and conclude that nobody understands anything.
WASHINGTON, United States (The On Deck News) – A panel of statisticians convened in the nation’s capital to audit baseball’s strangest year concluded that the sport has entered “a post-logic era,” after the Nationals set a major league record with 42 blown saves, according to the league’s own roundup of bonkers numbers from the season. The panel’s report, which runs to 214 pages, was described by one attendee as “extremely thorough and still unable to explain the thing about the stolen bases.”
Forty-Two Chances to Do It Differently
The headline figure, the Nationals’ 42 blown saves, has become a fixture of civic conversation in Washington, where residents are accustomed to promises that arrive in the ninth inning and disappear by the tenth. Senate staffers have noted that the number of failed conversions exceeds the number of contested seats on most midterm ballots, a comparison some see as unfair to the bullpen.
“Forty-two is not a number, it’s a lifestyle,” said Dr. Ingrid Vandermeulen-Cho of the Capitol Hill Bureau of Unusual Denominators. “A blown save is a form of storytelling, the narrative equivalent of a cliffhanger that never ends. Over 42 of them, you stop calling it a slump and start calling it a genre.”
Fans at the ballpark have adapted with remarkable grace. A survey of 400 season-ticket holders found that 64 percent now begin leaving in the eighth inning “out of respect,” while 21 percent bring a second sandwich in case of a delay, and 15 percent have adopted a quiet sense of detachment normally associated with monks or airline passengers.
The Speedster Who Could Not Hit and the Ace Who Could Save
The oddities continue. Nasim Nunez of the Nationals led the majors in steals with 47 despite carrying a .529 OPS, a combination analysts describe as “the most efficient way ever found to be on first base for five seconds.” Meanwhile, Marlins ace Sandy Alcantara led the majors in innings with 212 and also recorded a save, a pairing not seen since Phil Niekro in 1978, which Marlins staff say they accomplished deliberately and also by accident.
The league’s list of improbable numbers offers a sampler of other stunners, collected here in the manner of a very honest hardware catalog.
- A record 16 players homered in their major league debut, three more than the previous high, which has led several veterans to suggest that a debut should require a permit.
- Pete Crow-Armstrong posted a .673 OPS at the one-third mark of the season, the lowest of any player who went on to a 10-fWAR year, according to the roundup.
- Jo Adell hit the longest home run of the season for two different teams, 449 feet for the Angels and 455 feet for the Guardians, a double that a travel agent described as “efficient.”
- Kyle Schwarber flirted with the strikeout lead at 217, while Luis Arraez finished last among qualifiers with 28 strikeouts, the baseball equivalent of two people in the same restaurant ordering opposite things.
- Pitches of 100 mph or more made up 0.8 percent of all pitches, the highest share ever tracked, up 43.5 percent from last year.
The Bureau Weighs In
Vandermeulen-Cho says the data points reveal a deeper story about expectation. “The White Sox won 81 games after three straight 100-loss seasons, a jump no team in that situation had come close to matching, since the previous best was 70,” she said. “Meanwhile, Cal Raleigh slugged .374 after hitting 60 home runs the year before. The sport appears to be redistributing pleasure at random.”
Comedian Terrence Abrams-Whitlock, who headlines a small room above a Dupont Circle sandwich shop, has added a bit on the subject. “Baseball is the only place where a guy can lead the league in stolen bases with a .529 OPS and the only place where a pitcher can throw 212 innings and then close a game for fun,” Abrams-Whitlock told an audience of 35. “In every other industry that’s called a performance review. In baseball it’s called a Tuesday.”
Where the Bullpen Meets the Barn
Nationals officials, asked about the record, pointed to the club’s investments in facilities, a response that observers say neatly captures the problem. It recalled the story of a dairy farm that spent a million dollars upgrading its milking parlor while the farmer still sat on a broken chair, a parable that bullpen coaches have printed and taped above their own seat. “We’ve upgraded everything except the part where somebody records the final out,” said Gustavo Pemberton-Adeyemi, a longtime fan and amateur bullpen historian.
The Brewers, by contrast, appeared to operate on a different plane of existence. According to a Milwaukee report on their championship run, Milwaukee lost only two games in October on its way to the first title in franchise history. Nationals fans reviewed that figure and requested a moment of silence, then a second moment, then a third.
What It All Means
The Capitol Hill Bureau has recommended that the league treat the season as a data set rather than a warning. It has asked for further study of the 100 mph pitch, the 47-steal weakling, and the unexplained fact that one ace was somehow deployed to save a game he had not started. The Bureau’s report concludes that all of this is consistent with a sport that is “doing great, as far as anyone can tell.”
The editors at Bohiney have already begun compiling their own annual list of baseball’s most baffling numbers, a document that so far contains 42 entries and no apparent cause for hope.
Vandermeulen-Cho has taken a few days off. “It’s the first time in my career I have wanted to be a statistic,” she said. “Just a small one. Possibly a walk.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/