A Modern Intimacy therapist weighs the benefits and harms of technology for couples and offers practical ways to protect presence, from screen-free meals to tech-free rituals
Together, Apart
It is a familiar scene in homes across Europe: two partners on the same sofa at the end of the day, each absorbed in a different screen. They are physically together, but their attention is elsewhere. Technology has transformed how couples meet, communicate and spend time together, and not always for the better. Elena Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, explored the issue in a Modern Intimacy article titled technology and relationships: connection or distraction.
The Benefits
Bahar is careful not to dismiss technology entirely. It keeps partners connected across distances, through messaging, social media and video calls, which can be a lifeline for long-distance couples and for partners who travel for work. It has modernized communication, making it easy to share small moments throughout the day. And it has widened the pool of potential partners, making it possible to meet people beyond one’s immediate social circle.
The Harms
But technology also carries risks. Text-based communication lacks the nonverbal cues, tone of voice and body language that help people understand each other, and that can lead to confusion and conflict. A message intended as a joke may read as criticism. A short reply may be interpreted as coldness. Many couples have experienced arguments that began with a misunderstood text.
Constant notifications and the pull of social media can also distract from genuine presence. When one partner repeatedly checks a phone during conversation or shared time, the other may feel unimportant. Bahar also notes that endless scrolling can become a way of avoiding or numbing difficult emotions, rather than dealing with them, including emotions about the relationship itself.
Mental Health Links
The article points to research linking heavy social media use to a higher likelihood of depression, anxiety and stress. It also cites a 2023 Pew Research survey of American teenagers in which more than half said giving up social media would be hard for them and 36 percent said they spend too much time on it. While that survey focused on young people, many adults recognize similar patterns in their own habits. Mental health and relationship health are closely connected: stress and low mood can reduce patience, affection and desire.
Practical Tips For Couples
Bahar offers several practical steps. First, talk openly with your partner about how technology affects your relationship and agree on boundaries together, rather than one partner imposing rules on the other. Second, set tech-free times or spaces, such as screen-free meals or a screen-free hour before bed. Third, customize notifications so that alerts do not interrupt important moments. Fourth, do offline activities together, like cooking or spending time outdoors.
Fifth, practise active listening by putting devices away, making eye contact and asking questions. Sixth, create tech-free rituals, such as a morning coffee together or an evening walk, and shared activities like games, classes or visits to galleries. These small routines can restore a sense of shared attention that devices tend to erode.
Screens And Intimacy
Therapists frequently note that screens in the bedroom can affect intimacy. Scrolling in bed can delay sleep, reduce conversation and replace moments of closeness that might otherwise occur naturally. Poor sleep, in turn, is linked to lower energy and desire. Keeping phones out of the bedroom, or at least switching them off for an agreed period before sleep, is one of the simplest changes couples can make to protect both rest and intimacy.
Dating In The Digital Age
Technology also shapes how relationships begin. Dating apps have become one of the most common ways for people to meet, offering convenience and choice. But many users report fatigue, frustration and a sense that endless options make it harder to commit to getting to know one person. Recent surveys of single adults suggest a growing preference for meeting partners in person. For people dating today, balancing online tools with real-world social connection may be healthier than relying on apps alone.
Technology can also create new sources of insecurity. Seeing a partner like or comment on someone else’s posts, noticing they were online late at night or reading too much into a delay in replying can all fuel anxiety and suspicion. Couples benefit from talking openly about what feels comfortable and respectful online, rather than assuming they share the same expectations.
Finding The Balance
The goal is not to eliminate technology from relationships, which would be neither realistic nor necessarily desirable. It is to use technology intentionally, in ways that support connection rather than replacing it. A good message during the day can strengthen a bond. A phone placed face down during dinner can do the same. The difference lies in whether technology serves the relationship or competes with it.
A Simple Experiment
For couples curious about the effect of technology on their relationship, therapists sometimes suggest a simple experiment: agree on one evening a week with no screens at all, and notice what changes. Many couples report more conversation, more laughter and a renewed sense of closeness. Others discover how often they reach for their phones out of habit. Either way, the experiment provides useful information about how technology fits into the relationship, and what might be worth changing. Presence, after all, is one of the most valuable things partners can offer each other.